IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphone Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development.

#children #hours #smartphone #case #development
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Some
children
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 invest
hours
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 in their
smartphones
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. The cause of
this
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 problem is
children
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 are addicted to their phones. I personally believe that it is a negative development because it hinders their
studies
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.
Children
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 spend a significant amount of time on their
smartphones
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 because they are addicted to them.
Smartphone
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 addiction is so severe among
children
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 and they do not want to leave their phones. Addiction makes
children
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 constantly watch numerous
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contents
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content
show examples
 on their phones, which are engaging.
Therefore
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,
children
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 find
smartphone
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contents
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content
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 more important than their lives.
For instance
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,
children
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 in the UK spend around 6
hours
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in
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apply
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a day on their
smartphones
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 watching funny reels on social media because they find them entertaining and more necessary than their lives. Investing a large amount of time in
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 is a negative development for
children
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 because it hinders their
studies
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.
Children
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 cannot concentrate on their
studies
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 because the
contents
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 of
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smartphone
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smartphones
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 have a detrimental effect on their minds. They always visualize those
contents
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while
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 studying and cannot absorb what they are learning.
For instance
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,
children
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 in India have said that if they watch
smartphones
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 at least 3
hours
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in
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apply
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a day, they find difficulties in concentrating on their
studies
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 and forget what they have learned. In conclusion, the cause of spending
hours
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 on
smartphones
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 by
children
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 is they are addicted to them. It is a negative development because it harms their
studies
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.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task response
Clarify the statement of the problem: Instead of saying 'The cause of this problem is children are addicted,' try 'One reason for this phenomenon is that some children develop dependency or addiction to their smartphones.'
coherence cohesion
Use a varied range of linking devices to enhance coherence. Consider using more diverse transitional phrases like 'In addition,' 'Moreover,' or 'Furthermore' to connect ideas smoothly.
task response
Introduce additional perspectives on whether smartphone usage can also have positive aspects, even if you conclude it as negative. Doing so could provide a more balanced viewpoint.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion.
task response
You have provided a relevant example to support your main ideas, enhancing the argument's credibility.
task response
The central argument is clear and addresses both parts of the question effectively, focusing on reasons and personal viewpoints.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Engrossed
  • Distracted
  • Addictive
  • Digital natives
  • Virtual reality
  • Interactive
  • Online gaming
  • Social media platforms
  • Connectivity
  • Social engagement
  • Information access
  • Learning tools
  • Peer influence
  • Societal pressure
  • Alternative activities
  • Recreational facilities
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