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Band 3.5

international visitors to New Zeland: country of origin

#visitors #zeland #country #origin
The pie chart illustrates how many
people
 from different
countries
 visit New Zealand.
Overall
, the biggest amount of
people
 come from Australia,
while
 the smallest group of
visitors
 comes from South Korea. Tourists from Japan and China don’t often visit New Zealand, but there are
visitors
 from the UK and
US
Correct article usage
the US
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. The percentage of
visitors
 from Australia is the highest, at 40
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. The next large group comes from the UK- 12
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and 9
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 go to the US.
Visitors
 from China are 5
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
,
people
 from Japan are 4
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, and only 3
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the total number of
visitors
 come from South Korea to New Zealand. 27
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of tourists come from other
countries
. More than 60
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of tourists are from English-speaking
countries
. 12
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of
visitors
 are from East Asian
countries
.
However
,
this
 is calculated without taking into account 27
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
people
 from other
countries
.
Submitted by khotkina.ma on

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task achievement
Ensure all percentages are supported with specific data from the chart for better clarity and thoroughness.
coherence cohesion
Consider providing a summary statement or concluding remark to encapsulate the main findings.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and accurate description of the data from the pie chart, effectively highlighting the main points.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with clear paragraphs and a natural flow of information.
task achievement
Good use of data from the chart to support the description, making the analysis specific and grounded.

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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