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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.‎ Show ideas and vocabulary / Find essays with the same topic

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There is no denying the fact that children overweight number has increased to almost 20% in the
last
 ten years.
This
 essay will discuss the causes and
effects
 of
this
 disturbing trend.
To begin
 with, there are many causes for overweight children.
Firstly
, children
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 days
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spend all day
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
playing
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
video games,
in other
words
Add a comma
words,
show examples
 they do not move or do any physical activities in the past kids
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
played together in the street.
In addition
,
food
 plays a significant role in
this
 topic in
thesedays
Correct your spelling
these days
kid's
Change noun form
kid
show examples
food
 has become more and more unhealthy they eating fast
food
,
for example
, there is a study says consumers number of fast
food
 is increased 10 per cent
last
 10 years. In terms of
effects
 that will be after a
while
first,
overweight will
effects
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Change the pronoun
their
show examples
 health and there are a lot of diseases related to overweight like heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
. It is
also
 possible to say that they will be not able to play or do daily things like normal
walk
Replace the word
walking
show examples
, and he can do any sports like swimming or playing football games with his friends.
Moreover
, it will
efects
Correct your spelling
effects
 on them education side because they can not focus on their studies.
For instance
, if they have sports class maybe they can not play or they get tired quickly. In conclusion, there are many causes for overweight kids. It is
also
 true that the
effects
 of
this
 disturbing trend.
Submitted by mona11omar33 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more clearly. Consider using paragraphs to separate different points or ideas (e.g., one for causes, one for effects).
task achievement
Try to develop each point with more detailed examples or explanations to improve your task response score.
language
Double-check your grammar and word choice to enhance clarity and precision.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both the causes and effects of the issue, showing your understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
You provided a clear introduction stating the topic and your intentions for the essay.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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