IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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Nowadays, the ways to improve public
health
Use synonyms
 have been more complex and diverse. There is an ongoing debate about whether sports facilities or other measures are most significant. On the one hand,
availability
Correct article usage
the availability
show examples
 of more infrastructure
offer
Correct subject-verb agreement
offers
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people
Use synonyms
 more
supports
Fix the agreement mistake
support
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 to do
sport
Use synonyms
. It is beneficial to reduce restrictions for
people
Use synonyms
 who want to develop or keep
a
Change the article
an
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 exercise habit. Especially, Public sports facilities
such
Linking Words
 as courts, gyms and playgrounds encourage passion
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 thanks to better conditions.
This
Linking Words
 way can
also
Linking Words
 lead to a
sport
Use synonyms
 trend because it makes more and more
people
Use synonyms
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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involved in an interactive way to exercise.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, exercise is not the only factor
influences
Correct pronoun usage
that influences
show examples
Use synonyms
people
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people's
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health
Use synonyms
. Other factors, like
workload
Add the comma(s)
workload,
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 play an important role
similarly
Linking Words
. To be specific, it is an indicator of terrible
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
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 in
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
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 that harm
health
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. The reason is that overload work more likely leads to less relaxation and more psychological stress.
Besides
Linking Words
, medical
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
also
Linking Words
 should be improved.
For example
Linking Words
, regular physical examination is critical to find out potential issues behind situations
seem
Correct pronoun usage
that seem
show examples
 healthy. And better medical level can avoid side
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 and expand
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 life expectancy as much as possible. In my view, increasing
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
sport
Change the noun form
sports
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 facilities is really beneficial for public
health
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.
However
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 is not the only thing we should pay attention to and
people
Use synonyms
 should prioritize enhancing medical level and reducing workload because
Linking Words
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 two aspects have a more
directly
Change the word
direct
show examples
 effect on public
wellbeing
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
.
Submitted by w18920137819 on

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task achievement
Include more specific examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure each paragraph clearly supports your argument and flows well into the next.
task achievement
The essay clearly introduces the debate about improving public health and presents both sides.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are both present, providing clarity and structure to the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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