Some feel goverments should invest primarily in educating the young, while others feel this is not a good use of resources. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
There has been an increasing number of people who claim that authorities should
spent
most of Change the verb form
spend
its
income on youth education, as in the future it can bring all efforts back. Correct pronoun usage
their
While
,
other people insist that there are even more important factorsRemove the comma
apply
. .
In Replace the punctuation
.
...
this
essay, I am going to discuss both states, before getting my own opinion.
On the one hand , despite the fact that children
education may be financially problematic, it works as Change noun form
children's
investment
. After the huge expanses , young people would gain knowledge and Add an article
an investment
then
will cover all initial stocks, where
Correct word choice
which
it
can lead to both GDP and GNP growth and Correct pronoun usage
apply
also
increase to general wisdom of citizens. In addition
young
generation is Correct article usage
the young
relience
and future hope for the particular state. Without Correct your spelling
reliant
them
Add a comma
them,
goverment
can not only support Correct your spelling
government
it's
economyReplace the word
its
,
but even would not be able to build and survive in Remove the comma
apply
this
fast developing
world. Add a hyphen
fast-developing
With
Change preposition
In
another words
, there is no chance of creating Replace the adjective
another word
other words
social
country but Correct article usage
a social
off
young supporters.
Change preposition
of
However
, as several global issues have been raising
, Wrong verb form
raised
Correct article usage
the goverment
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
also
should allocate part of its budget on
them and take applicable measures against them. Various Change preposition
to
kind
of pollution, namely can contribute to the collapse of society, in the same Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
way
health conditions and Add the comma(s)
way,
countries
development, too. Fix the agreement mistake
country
Therefore
authorities,
should prevent Remove the comma
apply
this
issuesCorrect determiner usage
these
,
before they can implement their Remove the comma
apply
affects
. Replace the word
effects
Furthermore
, Correct article usage
the goverment
goverment
should not Correct your spelling
government
concern
about Wrong verb form
be concerned
youth
generation, but Correct article usage
the youth
instead
they should care about Add a comma
instead,
who
they are studying. They mostly should provide support for teachers, educate them first provide Change the pronoun
whom
best
educational facilities and Correct article usage
the best
then
only move to children's
.
In conclusion, I compared that youth is Change noun form
children
future
for the countries and their long-term Correct article usage
the future
adventages
with other external and internal issues. And I personally believe that Correct your spelling
advantages
Correct article usage
the goverment
goverment
should spend part of its money, both on Correct your spelling
government
children
education and other factors.Change noun form
children's
Submitted by halilova039 on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay maintains a clear and logical structure throughout. Some sentences could be more direct and clearly linked to one another to improve the flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
Clarify your ideas to make them more comprehensive and specific. Some arguments could be expanded or explained with more detail to increase clarity.
Task Achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to fully support your points. This can help illustrate your arguments and show a deeper understanding of the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively outlines the topic and the writer's opinion.
Task Achievement
You have addressed both views of the topic, which shows an effort to provide a balanced discussion.
Task Achievement
The essay demonstrates an understanding of the importance of various aspects of government spending, indicating insightful thinking.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example