IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can'f afford. What are the reasons for this behavior? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem?

#people #debt #f #behavior #action
Nowadays,
people
 in
this
 generation have a tendency to spend money extravagantly without
reconsideration
Add an article
a reconsideration
show examples
 of the necessity and their own incentives.In the following paragraphs,causes and some sensible solutions will be discussed in detail.
To begin
 with,From my perspective,the reasons behind
this
 behaviour are the urge to release dopamine and social cultures.Every time
people
 have the capability to achieve something
such
 as new houses, new cars and new items,dopamine begins to release causing
people
 to feel satisfied.
However
, they do not realise that
this
 thing is not sustainable yet addictive,they will want to gain more of
this
 so they never reach the point where there is enough.Another reason is
people
’s behaviour is based on their social norms.
For instance
,citizens in Asia tend to purchase more luxury items and high-end brands compared to those in Europe. To tackle
this
 problem,
people
 in each sector need to participate.
Firstly
,Influencers and idols should realise that by being presenters of lavish products,they are part of creating
this
 materialistic world and encouraging teenagers to purchase those items.
Thus
,they should choose each brand carefully.
Secondly
,students in school have to be educated about financial management and investment.They need to have a strong basic knowledge that as long as they have a good statement,the other money could be spent extravagantly in the way they want.
Finally
,every person in society should create a culture that values intrinsic, not superficial.Individuals should stop comparing themselves to others and know their worth
instead
 of purchasing things in order to upgrade their social status. In conclusion,incautious spending is caused by cultures in a superficial materialistic world comparing themselves to others.In order to prevent it,
people
 should raise awareness about intrinsic values and have strong knowledge about financial planning.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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task achievement
Try to provide examples or evidence to further clarify your points, particularly when discussing the role of influencers and financial education. This will enhance the clarity and depth of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Be mindful of grammar and punctuation, as there are a few errors such as missing spaces after commas. While these don't greatly impact the overall understanding, cleaning them up will make your essay more polished.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in providing a strong framework for your argument.
complete response
The essay addresses the prompt directly, discussing causes and solutions for extravagant spending behavior, achieving a comprehensive response.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Consumer culture
  • Conform
  • Societal influence
  • Financial literacy
  • Budgeting
  • Interest rates
  • Credit management
  • Impulsive purchases
  • Marketing strategies
  • Aggressive marketing
  • Emotional spending
  • Cope with stress
  • Availability of credit
  • Buy-now-pay-later schemes
  • Cycle of spending
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