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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the graph gives information on the number of participants for different activities at one social center in Melborne for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

the graph gives information on the number of participants for different activities at one social center in Melborne for the period 2000 to 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#information #participants #activities #center #melborne #period #summarise #features #comparisons
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The line graph highlights data about how many people participated in 5 various
activities
Use synonyms
 at one social
club
Use synonyms
 in Melbourne, Australia for the first two decades of
XXI
Correct article usage
the XXI
show examples
 century.
Overall
Linking Words
, over the years more
participants
Use synonyms
 got involved in
activities
Use synonyms
 on Table tennis and Musical plays,
while
Linking Words
 Amateur dramatics lost its interest
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
. Being
flactuated
Correct your spelling
fluctuated
fluctuate
, two types of
activities
Use synonyms
, which are
Film
Use synonyms
club
Use synonyms
 and Martial arts levelled off. Another striking point is that over a
twenty - year
Correct your spelling
twenty-year
show examples
 period between 2000 and 2020, the
Film
Use synonyms
club
Use synonyms
 kept its position as the most popular activity. Looking at the details of Table tennis, in 2000, there were about 15
participants
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
club
Add an article
the club
a club
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. In the next 10 years, it attracted 5 more members, before
dramatic
Add an article
a dramatic
show examples
 surge from 20 to below 60
participants
Use synonyms
. In 2005, the activity
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 Musical performances
introduced
Add a missing verb
was introduced
show examples
 and over the following 15 years, it saw a steady increase
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the number of
participants
Use synonyms
 by about 20 in the
last
Linking Words
 year. Regarding
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 two
activities
Use synonyms
,
Film
Use synonyms
club
Use synonyms
 and Martial arts,
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 saw
fluactions
Correct your spelling
functions
factions
, but without any changes in the
overall
Linking Words
 position.
Use synonyms
Film
Correct article usage
The film
show examples
club
Use synonyms
 started the process with about 60 members and finished it just below 70,
while
Linking Words
 the
participants
Use synonyms
 of Martial arts kept their numbers at around 35. The number of
participants
Use synonyms
 of amateurs
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
draturgy
Correct your spelling
dramaturgy
 was about 25 and it saw a steady decrease
then
Linking Words
 by 10.
Submitted by sarahaldhmadi on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words activities, club, participants, film with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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