Some people believe that schools should reward those students who show excellent academic performance while some believe that only the ones who show significant improvement in the grades should be rewarded. Discuss both the views and give your opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Some people think that schools should reward those
students
who excel in academic performance. However
, others believe that those who show improvements in their grades should get rewards
. I personally believe that while
rewarding those who show excellent academic performance inspires them and they achieve this
result through their born talents, rewarding those who are improving is more beneficial because they achieve this
result through their hard work
and dedication.
Who
excel in their academic performance, Correct determiner usage
Those who
Correct word choice
and rewarding
rewarding
Verb problem
apply
inspires
Wrong verb form
inspired
them
. After getting Correct pronoun usage
apply
rewards
, they will become more courageous to perform better. Moreover
, Those who achieve excellent results in their academic careers, achieve them because they are talented by born. When they properly use their born talents, they can achieve this
success
. For example
, in 2019, a research project published by Deakin University revealed that students
who are born talents
only Replace the word
talented
become
succeed in exams and achieve excellent results. Verb problem
apply
However
, I personally believe that students
who achieve success
through their hard work
deserve rewards
.
However
, students
who achieve success
through significant improvements, deserve rewards
because they achieve it through their hard work
. Achieving excellence from a beginner level,
requires a lot of hard Remove the comma
apply
work
. Those who can do that hard work
only achieve that success
. Furthermore
, achieving success
also
requires dedication. People who achieve success
through dedication requires
a lot of effort. Correct subject-verb agreement
require
For example
, in Australia, people who achieve success
through hard work
can become succeed
. Replace the word
successful
Therefore
,I believe that those who achieve success
from a beginner level deserve rewards
.
In conclusion, I personally believe that those who succeed academically deserve rewards
. However
, those who achieve success
through their hard work
from a beginner level deserves
more.Correct subject-verb agreement
deserve
Submitted by rahman_rehana on
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Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical progression of your arguments. While your essay has a clear structure, some transitions between ideas can be smoother.
Task Achievement
Develop your supporting examples with more relevance and specificity. Examples like the research from Deakin University need clearer ties to your argument.
Task Achievement
Clarify your thesis and opinion in the introduction and ensure your conclusion reflects your earlier arguments. The connection between your introduction and conclusion could be stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion which encapsulates the overall argument, providing completeness to your answer.
Task Achievement
You have successfully discussed both perspectives in the debate regarding academic rewards, showing a comprehensive understanding of the prompt.