IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents buy their kids a large number of toys to play with. What are the advantages and disadvantages of a child having a large number of toys?

#parents #kids #toys #child
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In order to entertain with, a lot of
toys
Use synonyms
 are bought for
children
Use synonyms
 by their
mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
show examples
 and
father
Fix the agreement mistake
fathers
show examples
. By having numerous
toys
Use synonyms
,
children
Use synonyms
 can enhance their cognitive skills; yet, owning an excessive number of
toys
Use synonyms
 might be distractive to youngsters. It is fair to say that
toys
Use synonyms
 are indispensable tools when it comes to kids's education, especially in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
early childhood.
Toys
Use synonyms
 are not only beneficial for mental development but
also
Linking Words
 excellent for coordination. By combining these entertaining tools
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
effective learning can be provided.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
toys
Use synonyms
 offer break
time
Use synonyms
 for adults.
Due to
Linking Words
 the dilatory nature of
toys
Use synonyms
, kids
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 busy with them for a long
time
Use synonyms
,
therefore
Linking Words
, adults may have
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 to rest.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
toys
Use synonyms
 are favourable to both adults and their offspring.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, acquiring too many
toys
Use synonyms
 might be detrimental to the task responsibilities.
Children
Use synonyms
 who spend plenty of
time
Use synonyms
 with
toys
Use synonyms
 can neglect their primary duties,
such
Linking Words
 as studying or simple house chores. Over
time
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 situation may lead to educational failure or household conflicts.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
distractive
Correct article usage
the distractive
show examples
 nature of
toys
Use synonyms
, kids who play too much with
toys
Use synonyms
 may face communication issues. Since they only engage themselves in
toys
Use synonyms
, lacking
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
conversation with their peers can be impactful.
Hence
Linking Words
, unplanned play
time
Use synonyms
 with
toys
Use synonyms
 may result in negligence and impaired dialogue abilities. In conclusion, purchasing plenty of
toys
Use synonyms
 can be educative to
children
Use synonyms
; yet, at the same
time
Use synonyms
, they may impair
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 sense of responsibility.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Make sure to include specific examples to illustrate points, such as a particular toy that aids development.
task achievement
Ensure the essay stays focused on the advantages and disadvantages clearly throughout.
coherence cohesion
Add a bit more detail to transitions between paragraphs to enhance the cohesive flow.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view on both advantages and disadvantages, maintaining fairness in assessment.
coherence cohesion
The structure is clear with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion.
coherence cohesion
All main points are supported with logical reasoning, making arguments persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: