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Some people believe that young people should spend their free time with family rather than go to entertainment activities outside the house. Some disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #time #entertainment #activities #house #disagree
There is no doubt that having leisure
time
 is important to rejuvenate an individual's state of mind. Some people believe that it is
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
preferable to spend their spare
time
 with their family,
while
 others argue that it is more refreshing to enjoy a variety of entertainment
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
 rather than staying at home. I partly agree with both views because it depends on different circumstances. Examining the view that prioritizing family
time
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is important for a person who
spend
Change the verb form
spends
show examples
 most of their
time
 in a work setting.
For instance
, startup employees spend roughly 10 to 14 hours in their office because their company has a
fast-pace
Correct your spelling
fast-paced
show examples
 working atmosphere.
As a result
, most of them have
little
Add an article
a little
show examples
 amount of
time
 to spend
together with
 their
familiy
Correct your spelling
family
 members.
Additionally
, if an individual is expecting a child or already
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 children, allocating spare
time
 to nurture one's children is vital to form their character.
On the other hand
, a person requires private
time
 to refresh their mind after having
a rough weekdays
Correct the article-noun agreement
a rough weekday
rough weekdays
show examples
 or just simply to avoid pressing family matters.
For instance
, a mom might feel pressure after taking care of her child,
therefore
, opting to enjoy several self-care treatments
such
 as massage or saloon can rejuvenate her mind.
Additionally
, a person might have different personal choices with their family.
For example
, a father might prefer to go fishing and other family members prefer to go shopping, henceforth, it is more enjoyable for the father to do fishing on his own. At its core, the debate between both sides really depends on personal preferences and a different kind of situations.
Therefore
, I have a balanced view
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
this
 notion.
Submitted by manapapuja2 on

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language
Try to maintain consistent use of singular and plural forms. For example, 'entertainment activites' should be 'entertainment activities' and 'a person requires' can be changed to 'people require'.
content
Expand on your conclusion by summarizing key points to reinforce your balanced view. This can help strengthen the conclusion.
content
The introduction clearly sets up the discussion of both viewpoints and your position is well-stated, which gives a clear purpose to the essay.
content
Your main points are supported with relevant examples, such as the startup employee scenario and the self-care example for a mom, adding depth to your arguments.
structure
The essay flows well with logical transitions between paragraphs. The discussion of both views is well-organized.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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