IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think the government should invest more money in teaching science than other subjects in order for a country to develop and progress. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #government #money #science #subjects #country #progress
There is an ongoing debate over whether the government should allocate the
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
budget to
science
 domain education rather than other fields in order to develop the
country
.
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is crucial to progress
other
Change preposition
in other
show examples
subjects
 owing to the wide
citizens
Change to a genitive case
citizen's
citizens'
show examples
 knowledge, I am
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 opinion that the investment
more
Change preposition
of more
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money
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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science
 study might
be improve
Change the verb form
improve
show examples
 the well-being of society, as well as 
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
. Admittedly, there must be
fund
Wrong verb form
funding
show examples
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 other courses
due to
 their inevitable effect
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people's education. Take an
example
, (As an
example
 of
the
Remove the article
apply
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another subject is that) literature which maintains historical and cultural heritage of the
country
.
In other words
, ignoring the fields, including
the
Correct article usage
apply
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music, literature, art and history, contributes to the forgetting of them among the citizens, which leads to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of the horizon(experience ) of the individuals.
Additionally
, more and more people are involved in these fields;
as a consequence
(
consequently
 only), slow progress on it(other
subjects
), leading(leads) to lessen the social mobility of corresponding profession (by) people.
Thus
, focusing on other
subjects
 is crucial to maintaining society's knowledge and supporting individuals' financial well-being.
Nevertheless
,
science
 is more crucial than other
subjects
, making it the most achievable field in terms of the
money
,
progress
Correct word choice
and progress
show examples
 of the
country
. With advent of the technology, the authorities allocate the budget of the
country
 to the automated work in order to mitigate the production
money
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 or time.
For
example
, Japan is the
country
 which devotes its
money
 to artificial intelligence, resulting
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the most developed government in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Asia in terms of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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science
 education.
Furthermore
,
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 would spend more
money
to
Change preposition
on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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biology, they would be able to find cures for different diseases, and
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
country
 would be able to export these medicines to various other countries, which would strengthen the host
country
's economy.
For
example
, to cure fatal viruses like
COVID
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
, many countries invented different vaccines and sold them to other nations around the world. In conclusion,
while
 the other
subjects
 hold the culture of the
country
, I believe that the allocation
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 budget to the
science
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 contributes to the economy of the 
country
.
Submitted by ilkin.abdullaev04 on

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task achievement
While the essay does respond to the task and provides a clear argument, there are areas where clarity can be improved. Ensure that each point is clearly and comprehensively developed with more precise language and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Work on the coherence of your ideas by ensuring that each point logically follows from the previous one. Transitional phrases can be improved to enhance the logical flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction outlines the main argument and sets the stage for the discussion, and the conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main points.
task achievement
The essay includes relevant examples, such as the mention of Japan and advancements in biology, which strengthen the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • economic growth
  • holistic development
  • technological advancements
  • critical thinking
  • cultural awareness
  • sustainable development
  • return on investment (ROI)
  • global competitiveness
  • job market
  • equitable education
  • funding allocation
  • curriculum balance
  • civic responsibilities
  • interdisciplinary approach
What to do next:
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