IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Leaders and directors in an organization are frequently older people, some people think young leaders would be better. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#leaders #directors #organization #people
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Leading positions in a corporation are most often taken by older individuals, and it is argued that
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation may be a better alternative.
This
 essay disagrees that
a young employees
Correct the article-noun agreement
young employees
a young employee
show examples
 would lead a company better than
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 senior colleagues.
Firstly
, younger workers will not have enough experience in general;
secondly
, there might be a risk of lack of respect towards young
leader
Fix the agreement mistake
leaders
show examples
 from older coworkers.
To begin
, young people usually have almost no experience when
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
come
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
show examples
working
Change preposition
to working
show examples
. Learning the ropes takes time, and being a decent employee when everything is new is a hard task. If you are a leader, you are under constant pressure and supposed to know how a business you are in works and how to operate it,
therefore
, senior experienced colleagues are a better fit for leading positions. The prime example is Warren Buffet, who has been leading his outstanding business for decades now, and there are no young people who could even theoretically take up his position. In continuation of the topic, a risk of not being respected by older coworkers might occur in the workspace. It may be
due to
 various reasons, but it still does happen in modern society that senior colleagues find a younger employee less competent, experienced,
proficient
Correct word choice
or proficient
show examples
, even if is totally opposite, and can simply be annoyed only by the fact that he or she is higher in a hierarchy than them, which will lead to inevitable conflicts.
For instance
, there was a huge scandal
due to
 exactly the same reason in Amazon, which led to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 termination of a young leader.
To sum up
, there may be exceptions in every niche, but generally speaking, I find senior employees to fit leading positions better in a company, compared to younger people alternative.
Submitted by mihailkryukov55 on

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task achievement
Try to strengthen your supporting arguments with more specific examples or evidence. This would make your points more persuasive and improve the support for your main ideas.
task achievement
Maintain a consistent use of formal academic language throughout your essay. Avoid informal phrases or overly simple language to enhance clarity and sophistication.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that relates back to your main argument. This will enhance the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which contributes to its coherence.
task achievement
The writer provides a clear position on the topic and supports it with relevant reasons, achieving a solid task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay uses appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs, enhancing the overall cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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