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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table shows the percentage of tourists by age on Sydneys.

The table shows the percentage of tourists by age on Sydneys.
The table chart illustrates the proportion of tourists
on
Change preposition
in
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Sydneys
Correct your spelling
Sydney
 divided into
five
Use synonyms
 categories based on
age
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groups
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 in three different
years
Use synonyms
 with the
Use synonyms
five
Correct your spelling
five-year
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years
Use synonyms
 interval starting from 1980.
Overall
Linking Words
,it can be seen that the majority of people were from
age
Use synonyms
 30-40 in both three
years
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
,the percentage had decreased in the
years
Use synonyms
 given.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,Looking at the highest percentage in both three
years
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,the people
at
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aged
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age
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 30-40 started at a fourth but had significantly
decrased
Correct your spelling
decreased
 to 31% and
then
Linking Words
 continually dropped to 29%.
On the contrary
Linking Words
,the other two
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 which were 15-29 and 41-50 were facing upward trends at the same rates.
That is
Linking Words
 to say,In the first
five
Use synonyms
years
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 interval,the rate rose by 1% followed closely by 2% in the
last
Linking Words
five
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
 interval.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
the
Change preposition
in the
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 other two extreme
age
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groups
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,the proportion fluctuated.Tourists
at
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aged
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age
Use synonyms
 under 5 had declined
at
Change preposition
in
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first
Correct article usage
the first
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five
Use synonyms
years
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 to
reached
Change the verb
reach
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 the lowest
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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 of all
age
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groups
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 at 5% but later minimally rose to 8%.The
last
Linking Words
age
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 group which was people over 50
years
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 old had exponentially grown by 17% at first.
However
Linking Words
, later the percentage slowly fell back to 23%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words five, age, groups, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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