IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In modern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. 1. Why has this change occurred? 2. Should parents force their children to spend more time at home?

In our present
time
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 ,
kids
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 prefer to be closer to their friends more than their families. These days are completely different in many ways. In these terms ,
children
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 are closer to their friends because they share many things especially , interests.
Parents
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 should know more about their
kids
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 to be closer and spend more
time
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 with them . First and foremost, today's
children
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 are more aware than
kids
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 in the past . So , they need a person to listen and interact with them all the
time
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 .
In other words
Linking Words
,
kids
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 need to build a good relationship with friends to tell them about their daily life and needs .
Moreover
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 ,
parents
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 should be closer to their
kids
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 and allocate
time
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 to listen and understand their
children
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. If the mother spent more
time
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 with her son certainly it would make a huge change and his son would be better.
additionally
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, when the mother and father know more about
kids
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 they will provide a suitable environment .
For example
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 , there is a study by Harvard University about 50% of
children
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 suffer from loneliness and
this
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 affects their mental health and leads them to depression. The solution to
this
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 issue is in the hands of
parents
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, if the
parents
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 know about their
kids
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 and allocate more
time
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 to them definitely, the problems will be solved . Spending
time
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 with them will create a good relationship .
For instance
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, there is a book called " How to raise a Child" the author explains how
parents
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 should deal with their
children
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 and how they should be concerned and encourage their
kids
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 to become better people in the future. In conclusion,
parents
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 have to spend more
time
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 with their
kids
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 to build a deeper relationship with them .
Furthermore
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, if they want their
children
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 to be successful in the future they have to provide a suitable environment.

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task achievement
Try to develop each paragraph more fully, perhaps by providing more detailed examples or explanations for your points.
task achievement
Make sure to maintain a consistent tone and avoid making assumptions about the reader's understanding or agreement with your points.
coherence cohesion
Although there is a logical structure, consider improving clarity between points. Use more varied linking words to help smooth transitions between ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly sets up the main points you are going to discuss.
task achievement
You've provided good examples like the Harvard study. These help to support your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph has a main idea, and there's a clear conclusion that wraps up your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Academic commitments
  • Extracurricular activities
  • Technology and social media
  • Peer acceptance
  • Independence
  • Family dynamics
  • Cultural norms
  • Individualism
  • Parental enforcement
  • Family bonds
  • Social development
  • Autonomy versus guidance
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