IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the main purposes of school is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some people believe that the main purpose of
schools
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 is to prepare
students
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 to become responsible citizens and efficient employees, rather than focusing on
student's
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students'
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 personal growth. In my point of view,
i
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I
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 believe that the primary purpose is to develop
students
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 as individuals, helping them grow in knowledge and physically,
instead
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to
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of
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 using them to serve social roles. On the one hand,
schools
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 play a key role in helping pupils learn across various areas of life. They teach pupils essential subjects like languages, where
students
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 can understand
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
grammar and vocabulary, which are considered
as
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apply
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the foundation of effective communication, and reinforce lessons by
practicing
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practising
show examples
 speaking and writing.
Students
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also
Linking Words
 take mathematics classes that involve solving math equations, performing calculations and understanding
acconting
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accounting
.
Additionally
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, through courses like history, pupils can learn about their country's heritage, helping them understand how their identity and traditions have been shaped.
On the other hand
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,
schools
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also
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 promote learner's personal growth by encouraging them to engage in sports and extracurricular activities. Many
schools
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 invest in facilities like football and tennis courts,
also
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 organize teams and viewing areas, creating competitions and enjoyable
atmosphare
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atmosphere
.
moreover
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,
schools
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 educate
students
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 about the benefits of physical
activieties
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activities
 and the
risk
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risks
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 of
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle, ensuring they understand the importance of maintaining a healthy body.
For instance
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, a lesson about the advantages of walking would encourage young people to rely more on walking to reach school. In conclusion,
While
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schools
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 can
preparing
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prepare
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students
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 for future societal roles has its value.
Schools
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 should prioritize supporting personal growth by enhancing awareness and physical abilities,
schools
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 play a crucial role in shaping well-rounded individuals.

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task achievement
Consider presenting a more balanced view in the introduction. It could be beneficial to acknowledge both perspectives initially, even if you argue more strongly for one.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are always fully supported by examples or explanations. While you provide examples for physical activities, such support could be extended to other points as well.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases consistently to enhance the cohesion between sentences and paragraphs. This will help guide the reader through your arguments more seamlessly.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your position, emphasizing the importance of personal growth alongside preparing students for societal roles.
coherence cohesion
The essay exhibits a clear structure with a defined introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids in readability and understanding.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • socialize
  • instilling values
  • tolerance
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • good citizenship
  • workforce
  • skills
  • curriculum
  • civic knowledge
  • governmental processes
  • responsibilities of citizenship
  • personal development
  • creativity
  • individual talents
  • individual growth
  • self-confident
  • innovative thinkers
  • dual role
  • nurturing passions
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