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Band 3.5

"Scientists and technology experts seem to be more valued by modern society than musicians and artists. To what extent do you agree?"

#scientists #technology #experts #society #musicians #artists
Nowadays,
musicians
 and
artists
 are less valued than technology experts and
scientists
. I do not agree with
this
 statement. Because a lot of
scientists
 are not popular,
however
,
scientists
 invented a lot of items for our daily life and global. There are two main reasons that
musicians
 and
artists
 are more valued than
scientists
 and technology experts. One prime reason is
scientists
 are not popular as
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
as
musicians
 and
artists
,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes them less valued than
musicians
 and
artists
. In modern
society
Add a comma
society,
show examples
 plenty of
people
 should choose something interesting and worth it more than innovations that have
created
Add a missing verb
been created
show examples
.
For example
, plenty of
people
 do not know about who invented the internet,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 they know a lot about
artists
 and their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
. The second reason is that plenty of
people
 do not care about who invented things and are not worth it. Because it takes an amount of time their free time that they will spend watching TV and degradation.
Besides
,
artists
 are more famous, because they are playing and acting in movies on TV that
people
 watch. In conclusion, I do not agree with
this
 statement, and I think
artists
 and
musicians
 are more valued than
scientists
.
Artists
 and
musicians
 are desired
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 social media
Submitted by erkasiet2008 on

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introduction conclusion present
Your thesis statement could be clearer. Make sure your position on the topic is explicit from the start.
logical structure
Consider using paragraphs to organize your ideas more logically, with each paragraph focusing on a specific point.
supported main points
Try to expand on your ideas with more examples and explanations to make your argument more compelling.
complete response
Clarify the reasoning behind your argument and provide a more complete response to the essay question.
relevant specific examples
Include more specific and relevant examples that support your points.
introduction conclusion present
You have clearly expressed your stance on the topic.
logical structure
You've brought attention to the visibility of musicians and artists in social media, which is a relevant point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • valued
  • modern society
  • scientists
  • technology experts
  • musicians
  • artists
  • reliance
  • scientific advancements
  • practical benefits
  • driving economic growth
  • daily lives
  • culture
  • human emotions
  • express ideas
  • provoke thought
  • spiritual well-being
  • emotional well-being
  • preserving cultural heritage
  • subjective nature
  • diversity
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