In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasize that their products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Companies currently emphasize that their goods should be modern in certain methods in their advertising. I think the key factor driving the statement is advanced technology, and it results in
an
isolation for Remove the article
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
people
over 60 years old.
Technology’s improvements present new lives to individuals. People
have been living lives that are different from the past. We couldn’t imagine ordering food and communicating with foreign friends who live
far away from me by phone in the past. Wrong verb form
lived
However
, innovation of
IT techniques Change preposition
in
allow
us to do that. Now, Change the verb form
allows
people
are interested in new technology which can provide unique, and amazing experiences to them. In other words
, humans don’t have an interest in past things
now. They conceive past things
like paper, pencils, and notebooks as less valuable. For example
, teenagers in Korea love to study with iPads and Galaxy Note Tablets, rather than their books and notebooks because they think such
things
are too traditional to use in the modern era.
However
, I argue that the statement above leads to a negative effect on old people
. It makes it hard to get new information for them,
because they are not familiar with new technology and unique Remove the comma
apply
things
that they haven’t experienced before. In other words
, they feel they are isolated from society. Moreover
, they might feel discouraged to adjust in
lives which they haven’t seen in the past. Change preposition
to
For example
, around the world, old people
sometimes don’t feel confident in choosing products in the market because they can’t be sure that this
is the right one that they expect to buy.
In conclusion, businesses these days emphasize that their merchandise is new in some way in their advertising. I believe that the cause of the statement is technology’s innovation and it leads to limitations for old people
Submitted by lilyorca on
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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve logical structure, consider using more transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader smoothly from one idea to the next.
Task Response
For a clearer response, ensure each paragraph directly supports your thesis statement, creating a cohesive argument throughout the entire essay.
Task Response
Expand the discussion on whether the emphasis on new products is a positive or negative development, perhaps by considering additional perspectives or counterarguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the main ideas of the essay.
Task Achievement
Use of relevant examples, such as the teenagers in Korea study case, which strengthens the argument.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses both parts of the question, discussing both the reason businesses emphasize newness and its potential negative impact.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite