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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Many countries spend large amounts of money on world sporting events such as the Olympic Games and football World Cup. Instead these monies can be spent on encouraging young children to take up sports at a young age. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#countries #amounts #money #world #events #olympic #games #football #cup #monies #children #sports #age
It is a contentious issue whether huge international sports events are a good investment or an unnecessary spending. Some
people
 believe it is better to use
this
 budget to organize activities for kids. In
this
 essay, I will elaborate on
this
 subject and give my point of view on
this
 situation.
To begin
 with, I strongly agree that entertainment
such
 as
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
show examples
 Games and
football
Correct article usage
the football
show examples
 World Cup are
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 waste of money.
People
 pay taxes to improve their way of living rather than sponsor big parties. The way championships are organized nowadays
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 nothing in common with increasing
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
life quality. It is all about
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
fun.
Consequently
, most pressure is put on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
marketing, creating a show,
hiring
Correct word choice
and hiring
show examples
 famous
people
instead
 of
people
 who are truly passionate about
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
.
Moreover
, we have a lot of meaningful sports talents all around the world. Those who were born
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a poor family cannot spend enough on their development. Because the government chose to invest in events, they neglected the true needs of young
people
. If we do not change anything in
this
 aspect, we will lose many future champions among the young.
For instance
, they may decide to resign from a sport because they do not receive good support.
To sum up
, I strongly believe we should pay more attention to undiscovered talents who are the future of the country and events that certainly matter
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 those who paid their taxes for it. The present situation that many countries spend a large amount on a show should end as fast as it is possible.
Submitted by Aga on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on specific examples or case studies to strengthen the argument and provide more insight into your points.
coherence cohesion
Try to make the connections between ideas slightly clearer to improve logical flow and ensure each paragraph transition is smooth.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant arguments supporting the investment in youth sports instead of large events.
task achievement
Good use of language to express your opinions and reasons.

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