IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many countries spend large amounts of money on world sporting events such as the Olympic Games and football World Cup. Instead these monies can be spent on encouraging young children to take up sports at a young age. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It is a contentious issue whether huge international sports events are a good investment or an unnecessary spending. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe it is better to use
this
Linking Words
 budget to organize activities for kids. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on
this
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 subject and give my point of view on
this
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 situation.
To begin
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 with, I strongly agree that entertainment
such
Linking Words
 as
Olympic
Correct article usage
the Olympic
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 Games and
football
Correct article usage
the football
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 World Cup are
the
Correct article usage
a
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 waste of money.
People
Use synonyms
 pay taxes to improve their way of living rather than sponsor big parties. The way championships are organized nowadays
have
Change the verb form
has
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 nothing in common with increasing
a
Remove the article
apply
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life quality. It is all about
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
fun.
Consequently
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, most pressure is put on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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marketing, creating a show,
hiring
Correct word choice
and hiring
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 famous
people
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instead
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 of
people
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 who are truly passionate about
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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.
Moreover
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, we have a lot of meaningful sports talents all around the world. Those who were born
in
Change preposition
into
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 a poor family cannot spend enough on their development. Because the government chose to invest in events, they neglected the true needs of young
people
Use synonyms
. If we do not change anything in
this
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 aspect, we will lose many future champions among the young.
For instance
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, they may decide to resign from a sport because they do not receive good support.
To sum up
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, I strongly believe we should pay more attention to undiscovered talents who are the future of the country and events that certainly matter
for
Change preposition
to
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 those who paid their taxes for it. The present situation that many countries spend a large amount on a show should end as fast as it is possible.

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task achievement
Consider expanding on specific examples or case studies to strengthen the argument and provide more insight into your points.
coherence cohesion
Try to make the connections between ideas slightly clearer to improve logical flow and ensure each paragraph transition is smooth.
coherence cohesion
Clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument.
task achievement
You provide relevant arguments supporting the investment in youth sports instead of large events.
task achievement
Good use of language to express your opinions and reasons.
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