In the modern age,society is changing faster and faster.This accelerating pace of life affects our mental and physical health.To what extent do you agree with this statement?
Nowadays,
Due to
the advancement of technology and industrialization,the world has rapidly changed in various aspects.I strongly believe that these changes have impacts on us in particular
,both mental and physical health
.In the following paragraphs,the reasons to support my agreement will be outlined in detail.
To begin
with,After the industrialization era,The incidence of mental health
issues
such
as depression,anxiety or panic diseases has increased substantially.The main causes of this
problem are the pressure from work and a lack of support.That is
to say,the career trend has changed from agriculture in rural areas to the cities in order to find opportunities for career growth and more income to support their family.In other words
,people
of working age move away from their loved ones to strive for a progress in workplace with abundant competition.Also
,societies in urban areas are different from countries since people
have little contact with others in the vicinity.Thus
,when they have a problem,they have to struggle alone.
Additionally
,The incidence rates of physical health
issues
increase corresponding with mental diseases.Working in office environments means a lot of time spent in front of a computer screen and less space to move around.Also
,people
barely have personal time to work out.Moreover
,fast foods have become popular due to
their affordable price and their convenience.All of these factors contribute to the rates of obesity and related health
issues
namely hypertension,diabetes mellitus,ischemic heart disease and stroke risen exponentially especially,in the last
decade.
In conclusion,In the modern age,people
's lives have transformed rapidly from agricultural societies to industrialization.Both mental and physical issues
are the consequences of this
change that we should take into account.Submitted by chawanat.pla on
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coherence cohesion
Try to avoid very small grammatical errors, such as missing articles or unnecessary capitalization. For example, 'After the industrialization era' can be 'After the industrialization era,' and 'The incidence rates' can benefit from correction.
task achievement
Address all parts of the task by incorporating a counter-claim or discussing an alternative viewpoint, which might further strengthen the main argument.
task achievement
Develop ideas more fully, with examples from various professional or personal perspectives to enrich the arguments.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a strong framework for your discussion.
supported main points
You effectively support your main points, particularly in explaining the link between industrialization and health issues.
complete response
Your response addresses the task prompts well, clearly explaining and demonstrating an understanding of the topic's complexities.
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