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Writing Samples
Band 7

The graph gives information about employment categories of a country in 2003 and 2013.

The graph gives information about employment categories of a country in 2003 and 2013.
The bar chart compares how career choices varied across seven job groups among adults in a nation in 2003 and 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
, four out of six jobs witnessed an upward trend in the proportion of
people
Use synonyms
 working in those fields throughout the period, except for medical and
business
Use synonyms
. Despite experiencing a drop,
business
Use synonyms
 was still the most common major that
people
Use synonyms
 pursued. After ten years, education training,
hotel
Correct article usage
the hotel
show examples
 industry, and building gained popularity
while
Linking Words
 manpower in medical declined noticeably. Specifically, there were just under 10% of employees working in the education training field in 2003, which
subsequently
Linking Words
 rose to nearly 19% after ten years.
Similarly
Linking Words
, about 5% and 11% of
people
Use synonyms
 respectively went into the hotel industry and building before increasing significantly in 2013.
Medical related
Add a hyphen
Medical-related
show examples
 jobs were the opposite when the proportion of workers started at more than 20%,
then
Linking Words
plummeting
Wrong verb form
plummeted
show examples
 to just over 10% ten years later. The percentage of self-employed and unemployed workers recorded a remarkable climb,
whereas
Linking Words
 fewer
people
Use synonyms
 were interested in
business
Use synonyms
 after a ten-year period. In detail, 35% of employees selected
business
Use synonyms
 as their career in 2013,
after
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 figure
had
Verb problem
was
show examples
 recorded
45
Change preposition
by 45
show examples
% of employees in 2003. A similar pattern
showed
Wrong verb form
was shown
show examples
 in the figure for self-employed individuals and those with no job, both registering at about 15%, followed by (a rise to) more than 30% in 2013.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, business with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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