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Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, it is common for women to participate in the workforce when their children are young. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?

#countries #women #workforce #children
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In contemporary times,
women
Use synonyms
 prefer to do jobs at the workplace after their children reach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the age of adultery. Doing a job is a good source of keeping oneself busy, financially stable, and independent.
However
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, there may be some consequences of joining any workforce, which will be discussed
further
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.
To begin
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with
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with,
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 the advantages of
women
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's participation in the job in any field
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 become a vital source of producing an effective economy because they play a vital role
as
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apply
show examples
equally to men. First of all,
women
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 are independent and
skillful
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skilful
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 in many ways,
such
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 as they better understand the way of expenses to be spent in the house or outside.
Moreover
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, they are quite efficient in doing multiple
work
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 at the same time;
for
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instance
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, they better know how to run the house and office simultaneously.
For
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instance
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, in the field of marketing and human resources,
women
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 are considered more reliable
due to
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 their speaking skills and convincing behaviour.
Secondly
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, in the current economic conditions,
women
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 are most likely to do
work
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 equally to divide the
house-hold
Correct your spelling
household
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 expenses,
therefore
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 they prefer to do
Add an article
the job
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 when their kids have grown.
For
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instance
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, in Japan,
mostly
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most
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women
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work
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 until elderly because physical activities enhance their physical maintenance.
In contrast
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, there are
few
Correct article usage
a few
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 disadvantages, which may
cause
Verb problem
have
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 an effect
upon
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on
show examples
women
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's
family
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families
show examples
 because sometimes,
workload
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the workload
show examples
 can be very exhaustive and can easily make them irritated.
For
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instance
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,
currently
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currently,
show examples
women
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 are participating in online
work
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, which may cause a situation in which
women
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 cannot take care of their children.
Moreover
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, sometimes, working hours of remote jobs may not be flexible all the time, in
such
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case
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cases
show examples
, it may
also
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 impact the life of a child. In conclusion,
women
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 are considered
as
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apply
show examples
an essential entity of
a
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apply
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society, and they
also
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 play a crucial role in the economy by doing jobs of different
nature
Fix the agreement mistake
natures
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.
However
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, in some cases, their busy routine can cause negligence towards children, which may
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 their lives.
Submitted by rooha.javed on

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Task Response
Try to maintain consistency when discussing the age of children. Initially, you mention 'after their children reach the age of adultery,' which is inconsistent with the topic that refers to 'young children.' Clarifying this will strengthen your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the central argument. This will improve the flow of your essay.
Task Response
Balance out more the advantages and disadvantages. While you have provided specific examples and a thorough discussion on advantages, the disadvantages could be elaborated further for greater depth.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have provided a well-structured essay with clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames your discussion.
Task Achievement
Your use of specific examples, such as women working in Japan until elderly age, effectively illustrate your points and make your arguments more vivid.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively communicates clear ideas and presents comprehensive explanations for the advantages of women working, such as their multi-tasking abilities and contribution to the economy.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • workforce
  • economic benefits
  • standard of living
  • professional growth
  • career progression
  • social network
  • emotional support
  • role modeling
  • work-life balance
  • childcare costs
  • external childcare
  • additional income
  • emotional development
  • career opportunities
  • part-time roles
  • less demanding positions
  • juggling responsibilities
  • family environment
  • job satisfaction
  • financial security
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