IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some argue that public health services should focus on treating the sick, while others think they should focus more on preventive measures. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#argue #health #services #focus #measures
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Public
health
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services
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 have a significant role in healing
people
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's
health
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, no matter what they are. There is ongoing debate regarding whether public
health
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services
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 should
focus
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 on only one service, with some
people
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 arguing that these
services
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 should be concentrated on curing illnesses and others claiming that they should be focused more on preventive
measures
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.
This
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 essay will exhibit
both
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 viewpoints before offering my opinion.  On the one hand, those who support concentrating on healing diseases believe that treating the sick is more essential to preventive
measures
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 since protection
measures
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 should be
a
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apply
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personal care,
while
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 sicknesses are not a human manageable since they are outside their control,
moreover
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, several
people
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 suffer from chronic diseases which cannot be treatable, so public
health
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services
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 have to
focus
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 on these circumstances.
For example
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, in
people
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 with cured illnesses, their
health
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 develops worse
due to
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 the lack of public
health
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services
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,
this
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 argument highlights why public
health
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services
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 should
focus
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 on treating the sick.
On the other hand
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,
people
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 who advocate for concentrating on preventive
measures
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 argue that prevention strategies have a significant role in protecting bodies from any illnesses,
additionally
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, they believe that protecting
people
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 from diseases has a great impact on their immunity and enhances its strength.
For example
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, many patients struggle with weak immunity
due to
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 the lack of preventive
measures
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,
this
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 shows that public
health
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services
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 should
focus
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 on preventive
measures
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. In my opinion,
while
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both
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 viewpoints have valid points, I believe that public
health
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services
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 should make a balance between
both
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 sides without any priorities because lacking on any side will affect the other side of the argument. In conclusion,
although
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 there are compelling arguments for
both
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 viewpoints, I feel that balance between them is the most sensible approach.
Submitted by talahakoura27 on

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or data to further strengthen your argument and illustrate points more vividly.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your ideas flow smoothly by using a wider variety of cohesive devices. This will make the essay more engaging and easier to read.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the argument and summarizing the key points discussed.
task achievement
The main points of both viewpoints are addressed, demonstrating an understanding of the topic and providing a balanced discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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