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Band 4

Nowadays, more people are choosing to socialize online rather than face-to-face. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #development
Modern people prefer to interact in virtual reality
instead
 of real life. I conclude it happens because of advances in technology and
easiness
Correct article usage
the easiness
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that
is
Verb problem
apply
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resulted
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results
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, but I personally criticise
this
 phenomenon. The most prominent reason why some associate in cyberspace is basically all of us tend to select simpler things rather than harder ones.
Internet
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The Internet
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 has revolutionized the way we communicate, so we can keep in touch with others wherever we are. In the same way, where there is
network
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the network
a network
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 we
be
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are
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 able to converse on numerous platforms
such
 as Zoom, Google
meet
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Meet
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, WhatsApp, et cetera.
As a consequence
, we save an abundance of time, money, and energy by not having to go to any place.
On the contrary
, many individuals who engage without gathering lean to experience
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the problem
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 of mental health
due to
 dependence
of
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on
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 social media, like anxiety, feeling lonely, and depression.
Beside
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Besides
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 that, computerized communication will cause decreasing
of
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in
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 social skills so that the
relation
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relationship
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do
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does
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 not feel intimate and authentic. In conclusion, I believe the
growing
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growth
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 of technology has made the way how we are connected becomes extremely easy, but I think the social experience when we mingle directly is very necessary to avoid mental illness.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, mention specific studies or real-life examples of mental health effects of online socialization.
task achievement
Ensure more precise language usage to convey ideas clearly. The phrase "Internet has revolutionized the way we communicate, so we can keep in touch" can be improved to better explain the idea.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving sentence structure for better flow and connection of ideas. Some sentences can be connected more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which makes it easy to follow.
task achievement
You address both parts of the question effectively, focusing on reasons for online socialization and evaluating its impact.
task achievement
The examples and reasoning provided are mostly relevant and help in illustrating your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • instant gratification
  • rapid advancement
  • instant communication
  • online shopping
  • fast food delivery
  • social media platforms
  • immediate feedback
  • recognition and validation
  • efficiency
  • productivity
  • convenience
  • decreased patience
  • delayed gratification
  • realistic expectations
  • work ethic
  • unrealistic expectations
  • stress
  • dissatisfaction
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