Some pepole say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and becom disciplined. Others argue that teenagers should not sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work . Discusee both views and give your opinion.
Nowadays, most
of
Change preposition
apply
teenagers
are struggling to enjoy their life due to
all expensive
things. Correct article usage
the expensive
Thus
, some peoples sugest
Correct your spelling
suggest
Correct word choice
that them
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
to
take Fix the infinitive
apply
part-time
job after-school Correct article usage
a part-time
tu fullfill
their needs, and Correct your spelling
to fulfil
improtantly
, to build an understanding of Correct your spelling
importantly
work
environment, tough character and Correct article usage
the work
dicipline habbits
. Correct your spelling
discipline habits
However
, some other people are
Unnecessary verb
apply
prefered
to enjoy a short Correct your spelling
prefer
teenager
time to do fun activities or just relax their Replace the word
teenage
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
while
taking rest
right after school. In factCorrect article usage
a rest
that
, these both views are true for some relevant families, that depend on their Correct word choice
apply
economy
condition. Replace the word
economic
Therefore
, I agree to
both views. Change preposition
with
Although
, in fact Correct word choice
However
that
Correct word choice
apply
teenagers
with taking
jobs will have better characters than others. Wrong verb form
take
These
essay elaborated Correct determiner usage
This
my
opinions
Change preposition
on my
First,
part-time work
will initially
introduce work
environment, Correct article usage
a work
work
attitude, and work
dicipline
for Correct your spelling
discipline
teenagers
at their young ages. This
lesson will build teenanger's
Correct your spelling
teenager's
teenagers
charactes
to become more tough, strong mental, Correct your spelling
characters
character
independent
, and Correct quantifier usage
more independent
dicipline
. In factCorrect your spelling
discipline
disciplined
that
, these will Correct word choice
apply
consumed
a lot of their Change the verb form
consume
rest
time, despite the amount of money they got
, will Verb problem
have
paid
off all of the tired. Change the verb form
pay
be paid
For instance
, this
condition closely
related to Add a missing verb
is closely
teenagers
from low-economy family
. They Fix the agreement mistake
families
forced
to gain more money at their Add a missing verb
are forced
your
age to help Correct pronoun usage
apply
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
fullfill
the Correct your spelling
fulfil
family
needs. But, in the future, most of these Change noun form
family's
tenagers
have Correct your spelling
teenagers
very
tough mental to face the world.
Correct article usage
a very
Second,
we cannot deny that taking rest
right after-school
is necessary for students to recharge their body and mind. We know that they had Correct your spelling
after school
spend
their whole energy to be focused on studying various lessons at school. Change the verb form
spent
consequently
, they must have Add an article
a high
the high
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
of
Change preposition
apply
rest
in enough time to gain their energy and be focused in
the next day. Change preposition
apply
For instance
, this
condition highly correlate
with Change the verb form
correlates
teenagers
from rich family
. their parents just wanting the best for their Fix the agreement mistake
families
childern
. Correct your spelling
children
however
, some of these teenagers
will be fragile in
mentally Change preposition
apply
since
the lack of Change preposition
because of
experiencing
of facing Replace the word
experience
world
.
Add an article
the world
To sum up
, i
highly suggest Change the capitalization
I
for
Change preposition
apply
teenagers
to
take Fix the infinitive
apply
part-time
job to build their character in the best way and gain more Add an article
a part-time
succesfulll
at Correct your spelling
success
the
young Correct article usage
a
ages
.Fix the agreement mistake
age
Submitted by putri on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, but it's important to directly state your own opinion in the introduction and consistently support it throughout the essay. Add more clear examples and details in both body paragraphs to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Use linkers more effectively to connect your ideas and ensure each paragraph flows smoothly from one point to the next. Try using transitional phrases or linking words to guide the reader through your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Consider revising for minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing to enhance clarity and readability.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which outline the main points and recap your personal stance.
task achievement
The essay successfully covers both perspectives of the issue and provides a balanced view.