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Band 5

Nowadays, full-time university students tend to focus on their studying. Some people think it is essential for university students to be involved in other activities too. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#university #students #focus #people #activities
There are a majority of
students
, who concentrate only on their universities' study
,
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apply
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 and do not consider other
activities
. I personally believe that It is
essenital
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essential
 for them to learn
a
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an
show examples
avriety
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variety
 of
skills
 which they will need in the future.
This
 essay explores the advantages of doing different
activities
,
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apply
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 and the drawbacks of focusing only on their curriculum. Studying full-time in a university is a gold opportunity to
socialized
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socialise
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 with peers and
attending
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attend
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 to different teams and groups in their
intrest
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interest
 fields. It not only improves their communication
skills
,
is
Correct word choice
but is
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 a great practice for their performances in the future.
For instance
, During my study, I
had
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apply
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participated
a
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in a
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charity team. I made
hand crafts
Correct your spelling
handcrafts
show examples
, and they sold them for me,
then
 all the money gave to a school in a poor village north of Iran. I felt amazing at that time, and
also
 found a lot of reliable friends
from
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in
show examples
 the team. Two of them now are working in my current company, which are valuable asset to me.
Thus
, I believe that the
students
 should place a lot of importance on different
activities
. Working in a constantly changing world
,
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 has needed a variety of
skills
,
such
 as problem-solving
skills
, critical thinking
skills
, and so on. The
students
 have the
opportunities
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opportunity
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 to experience more than others time in their
life
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lives
show examples
. Music and
theater
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theatre
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 performances, social
avtivities
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activities
, sports competitions and a lot of other
activities
 are
organizing
Wrong verb form
organised
show examples
 by
students
 in the
univercity
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university
, and there are so much different workshops that are held by
university'
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university
show examples
 officials.
For example
, I attended a business workshop during my studies, which I found
it
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apply
show examples
really helpful. As
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 head of a small company, currently I am using those lessons in my job. I think
such
activities
 are crucial for all of the
students
. In conclusion,
althogh
Correct your spelling
although
 some
students
 think they should just
focous
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focus
 on their studies, I think it is essential that they participate
different
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in different
show examples
activities
 like sports
competition
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competitions
show examples
,
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apply
show examples
 and music groups.
This
improve
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improves
show examples
 a majority of
skills
 which will be really helpful in the future.
Submitted by rozakoohvand on

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grammar
Try to proofread your essay to eliminate spelling errors (e.g., 'essenital' should be 'essential', 'avriety' should be 'variety').
content
Ensure all main points are developed equally. The second main point about diverse skills could be expanded for better balance.
coherence
Work on sentence structures to avoid overly complex or fragmented sentences, which can cause confusion.
structure
Organize your ideas clearly at the beginning of each paragraph with topic sentences to guide the reader through your argument.
structure
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which summarize the main points effectively.
content
Specific examples, such as personal experiences with a charity team and a business workshop, enhance the argument and provide relevance.
task response
The essay maintains a clear position throughout, supporting the importance of engaging in activities beyond academic studies.
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