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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph gives information about male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph gives information about male and female gym membership between 1980 and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The line graph compares the number of male and female gym
memberships
Use synonyms
 between 1980 and 2010, a
period
Use synonyms
 of 30
years
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
’s
memberships
Use synonyms
 have increased and
men
Use synonyms
’s have been very inconsistent but decreased over the
period
Use synonyms
. In 1980,
men
Use synonyms
 had two times more
memberships
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
 and even though
women
Use synonyms
 reached 2000 units in 1985
men
Use synonyms
 still had double that.
However
Linking Words
, in 1993
women
Use synonyms
 overtook
men
Use synonyms
 and reached its
all time
Add a hyphen
all-time
show examples
 high in 1995 of almost 3000
memberships
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 had only 1700 that year. With a slight decrease in
women
Use synonyms
’s
memberships
Use synonyms
 in 2000
men
Use synonyms
 overtook them and rocketed to their
all time
Add a hyphen
all-time
show examples
 high of 5000
memberships
Use synonyms
 in one year. That did not stay for long, when the males had a downward tendency for 5 following
years
Use synonyms
 decreasing to less than
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
1000
memberships
Use synonyms
 a year and
women
Use synonyms
 stayed consistent having between 2000 and 2500 throughout those five
years
Use synonyms
. In sharp contrast to
this
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 had more
memberships
Use synonyms
 over a
period
Use synonyms
 of 30
years
Use synonyms
 than
women
Use synonyms
, even though the
men
Use synonyms
's chart was very bumpy. Most of the time during the
period
Use synonyms
women
Use synonyms
’s
Use synonyms
memberships number
Fix the agreement mistake
membership numbers
show examples
 varied from about 2000 to 3000,
whereas
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
’s
has
Verb problem
apply
show examples
upsurge
Wrong verb form
upsurged
show examples
 two times to big highs and plunged two times to big lows.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words memberships, period, years, men, women with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "stay" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • membership trends
  • male and female comparison
  • notable increase/decrease
  • fluctuations
  • consistently
  • peak points
  • divergent patterns
  • parallels in trends
  • correlation
  • timeframe
  • cultural shifts
  • awareness of fitness
  • significant differences
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