IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

In most countries, teenagers are advised
,
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 by teachers and parents
,
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 to focus on studying
instead
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 of working part-time. Some people suggest that children do not appreciate the amount of
work
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 and pressure their parents have to go through to provide enough money for their family.
Also
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, they assert that schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working
as well as
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 studying academic subjects. There are many reasons to justify
such
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 a viewpoint
and
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, and
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 I mainly agree with it.
Firstly
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, the benefits of making 15 to
18 year olds
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18-year-olds
work
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 are felt by them afterwards, in adulthood.
This
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 is because, by having a part-time job, they manage to gain a number of skills and experiences that will contribute to their
work
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 or even university applications.
Such
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 skills can vary dramatically from field to field, but usually
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this
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these
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 are communication and collaboration,
that
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which
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 are highly beneficial for personal development.
Secondly
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, it is a way of teaching the new generation responsibility, by
also
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 giving them the possibility to make their own pocket money. As an
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 we can take Finland
where
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, where
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 students often engage in a
work
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 practice program to gain experience. By that, the government ensures that adolescents, in the future, have what to write in their resumes, as it is really important for companies to know that they have previous
work
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 experience. Taken as a whole , it is essential for
the
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society and the government to understand the benefits part-time jobs have for the economy in general. As every generation is different from the previous one, humans have to find new ways to make the best out of them.

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task response
Answer the full question more clearly. Say why you agree, and also say a little about the other side.
task response
Make your main idea very clear in each body paragraph. One topic sentence, then explain it, then give one clear example.
task response
Add more detail to your example from Finland. Now it is too general, so it does not fully support your point.
task response
Your last paragraph is too short for a conclusion. Restate your opinion clearly and sum up your two main reasons.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear basic structure: introduction, two body paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not smooth. Use simple linking words well: First, Second, For example, As a result, In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas jump too fast. Add one more sentence after each main point to show how and why it helps teenagers.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear focus in each paragraph. The conclusion brings in the economy, which was not a main focus before.
task response
You answer the topic and give a clear opinion: you mainly agree.
task response
You give two main reasons: work gives skills and teaches responsibility.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because it has clear paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like Firstly, Secondly, and As an example.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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