IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

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Introduction
A certain percentage of individuals believe that youngsters have insufficient understanding of the working market and educational
centers
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institutions
show examples
 should require
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation to spend
limited
Correct article usage
a limited
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 amount of working time
while
Linking Words
 learning academic subjects. In my view,
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
 is crucial in our fast-paced world and
accumulate
Wrong verb form
accumulating
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experience
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 studying will be a big advantage for both the economy and employers .
Body paragraph 1
First and foremost , fresh graduates
othen
Correct your spelling
often
 struggle to find a well-paid job on the job market because of a lack of
experience
Use synonyms
 .
This
Linking Words
 stems from the fact that employers do not want to invest their time in beginners without special skills and train them from scratch.
Consequently
Linking Words
 , providing
work
Use synonyms
experience
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 opportunities for teenagers in schools can reduce the unemployment struggles and bridge the gap
on
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in
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 the job market.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
 ,
education
Replace the word
educational
 institutions can face
range
Correct article usage
a range
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 of obstacles
providing
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in providing
show examples
 students
a
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with a
show examples
work
Use synonyms
experience
Use synonyms
 during
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
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 process. One of the problems could be
shortage
Correct article usage
a shortage
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 of suitable companies willing to mentor teenagers in
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 effective way.
As a result
Linking Words
 , youngsters may not get an appropriate
Use synonyms
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
 and gain
experience
Use synonyms
 for their future career upon graduation.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, combining academic subjects with mandatory
work
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 placements can lead to extreme mental stress and burnout. High school students already face intense pressure preparing for final examinations, so adding regular
work
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 hours may negatively impact their academic performance.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
 , gaining working experince
while
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 education process is a massive advantage for students’ careers and employers.
However
Linking Words
, schools should ensure that these
work
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 placements provide real educational value rather than becoming a meaningless formality.

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task response
Make your view more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly if you agree fully or only in part. Your essay shows both good and bad sides, but the main view is not fully clear.
task response
Develop each main point with a more real example. For example, explain how a short job in a shop, office, or hospital can help a student choose a future job.
task response
Explain why work for teenagers should be short and well planned. This would help you answer the idea of work as well as study in a fuller way.
task response
In the last paragraph, repeat your main view clearly. At present, you say work is useful, but you do not clearly say how schools should deal with the problems you raised.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraph order is clear: benefits first, then problems, then a final view. Keep this simple plan.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example, use “However” at the start of the second body paragraph to show that you are moving from benefits to problems.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences have too many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words through the essay. Choose one phrase, such as “work experience” or “work placement”, and use it most of the time instead of changing terms often.
task response
You discuss both the good side and the possible problems of school work experience. This gives your answer a fair and thoughtful view.
task response
Your points about jobs after school, stress, and the need for real value are all linked to the question.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two main body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words such as “First and foremost”, “Consequently”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “To conclude”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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