IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make all teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree?

It is expressed by some that
children
Use synonyms
 do not entirely comprehend the
term
Check wording
concept
show examples
 of
working
Replace the word
work
 and its attributes,
this
Linking Words
 being an issue for their development. I entirely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
Linking Words
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
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 I will point out the reasons. First and foremost,
work
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 is an essential part of our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, as it is the source of income for all of us. Going to
work
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 day by day
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 ensures us stability, productivity and building new relationships with others, all necessary to keep us viable and motivated to
work
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 hard.
This
Linking Words
 is why
schools
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 should implement a few hours of
work
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 activities among students.
For instance
Linking Words
, occupations
as
Change preposition
such as
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 decorating the hallway, cleaning up the classrooms and sorting out books in the library would encourage
work
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 skills throughout the students,
therefore
Linking Words
 preparing them for the future. Another reason for my point of view is that many
children
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 come from wealthy and
well stable
Correct your spelling
well-stable
 families, where everything is done for them, thinking that money
grow
Correct subject-verb agreement
grows
show examples
 on trees.
This
Linking Words
 type of education should not be promoted among
children
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, even though parents have a lot of financial possibilities. A case in point is that
children
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 should be taught how hard money is made, through endless
work
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 and sleepless nights,
Linking Words
thus
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the educational system ought to not only introduce a short time of working hours in
schools
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, but
also
Linking Words
 implement subjects dedicated to the meaning of
work
Use synonyms
 and its importance for the
ulterior
Correct word choice
subsequent
show examples
 steps in life. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
schools
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 should put effort into preparing students to understand the world of
work
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 and what it is based on.
Children
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 have to become acquainted
to labor
Change preposition
with labour
show examples
 activities, as
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 will become a major part of their lives and need to achieve skills
as
Change preposition
such as
show examples
 punctuality, productivity and hard
work
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, all of these being able to be implemented by
schools
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.

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task response
For task response: answer the question more directly. The topic asks if teens should spend a short time working. You agree, but some ideas talk about children and money in general. Keep the focus on school work experience.
task response
For task response: explain your main ideas more fully. For example, say how short work time helps teens learn about real jobs, rules, time, and teamwork.
task response
For task response: use better examples. Cleaning classrooms and decorating halls are school duties, but they are not clearly the world of work. Examples like helping in a shop, office, library, or care home would fit better.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: some links are not smooth. Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea, then add one or two supporting points.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Write shorter sentences so your meaning is easier to see.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: use simple linking words well, like First, Also, For example, As a result, and In conclusion.
task response
You clearly give your opinion from the start and keep it the same to the end.
task response
You cover the main topic and give two reasons for your view.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraphing, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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