IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some young people are leaving the countryside to live in cities and towns,leaving only old people in the countryside.

#people #countryside #cities #towns
Nowadays, we can see more young
people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
leaving the rural area to reside in bustling cities and towns, but only the old
people
 stay in the countryside.
While
 more older
people
 stay without a provider, leaving the countryside can give different types of opportunities ranging from boosting lifestyles to quality learning. There are several reasons why I think
power
Add an article
the power
show examples
 of labour can decrease owing to going away from the rural area, and
consequently
, more downsides are generated.
For instance
,
oldesters
Replace the word
the oldest people
show examples
 can
afflict
Verb problem
suffer
show examples
 because of
Correct article usage
the works
show examples
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
show examples
 of agriculture because their force is not enough for them;
moreover
, they miss their children, and
as a result
, various diseases are derived from it.
While
 there might be some upsides like improving lifestyle,
in addition
, ameliorating the condition of living because there are different types of facilities ranging from sports to education
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
.
For example
, when you migrate to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bustling cities, you or your children can get quality information, and they can go to a sports
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
. Ironically, you can get more leisure time when you live in a city, and I guess that thing is basic for everyone. In conclusion, I believe that the disadvantages are significantly greater,
although
 the advantages are greater because, as aforementioned, highly likely old
people
 will be ill because of missing.
On the other hand
, leaving the village can be a bigger cause in order to improve lifestyle, and I can freely say that young generations tend to be curious, and
also
 there are almost all chances to get what they want. (256-words)
Submitted by Who is the best? on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph clearly supports the central argument to improve coherence. Current points need more alignment with the main thesis.
task achievement
Enhance explanation of ideas for clarity. Some arguments need more details for comprehensive understanding.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to support your points. This will strengthen the task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an introduction and conclusion, which nicely frame the discussion.
task achievement
There are insightful points about urban migration and its impact on lifestyle and opportunities.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: