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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar graph below represents data about the clubs joined by people of two different age groups at a leisure centre in a small city

The bar graph below represents data about the clubs joined by people of two different age groups at a leisure centre in a small city
#bar #data #clubs #people #two #age #groups #leisure #centre #city
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The given bar graph illustrates data about the clubs
which
Change preposition
in which
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 humans signed up
25
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for 25
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 to 35 and 55 to 65
age
groups
 at six types of recreation
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
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 in a small town. From an
overall
 perspective, it can be clearly seen that the number of 25 to 35
age
members
 for cycling and arts
as well as
 crafts more in comparison with the one in other categories.
In addition
, the amount of 25 - 35
age
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
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equal
Add a missing verb
is equal
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 to 55-65
members
 in
photography
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the photography
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 category. In terms of gardening, the older
age
group
 dominates with around 55
members
, compared to just 25
members
 from the younger
group
. A similar trend is seen in arts and crafts, where 55-65 year olds
out number
Correct your spelling
outnumber
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 the younger
participants
 significantly, with close to 60
members
. Music and dance
also
sees
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see
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 more involvement from the 25-35
age
group
, with approximately 55
members
 compared to 50 from the 55-65
group
.
On the other hand
, younger people have a larger presence in films and cycling. Fitness clubs have
a
Change the article
an
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 equal number of
members
 from both
age
groups
 at around 50, but cycling is dominated by
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
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participants
, with about 65
members
 compared to just 10 older
participants
. In
photography
Add a comma
photography,
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 the two
age
groups
 are equal, with 45
participants
.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups, members, group, participants with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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