IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar graph below represents data about the clubs joined by people of two different age groups at a leisure centre in a small city

The bar graph below represents data about the clubs joined by people of two different age groups at a leisure centre in a small city
#bar #data #clubs #people #two #age #groups #leisure #centre #city
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The given bar graph illustrates data about the clubs
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 humans signed up
25
Change preposition
for 25
show examples
 to 35 and 55 to 65
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 at six types of recreation
center
Fix the agreement mistake
centers
show examples
 in a small town. From an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, it can be clearly seen that the number of 25 to 35
age
Use synonyms
members
Use synonyms
 for cycling and arts
as well as
Linking Words
 crafts more in comparison with the one in other categories.
In addition
Linking Words
, the amount of 25 - 35
age
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
equal
Add a missing verb
is equal
show examples
 to 55-65
members
Use synonyms
 in
photography
Add an article
the photography
show examples
 category. In terms of gardening, the older
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 dominates with around 55
members
Use synonyms
, compared to just 25
members
Use synonyms
 from the younger
group
Use synonyms
. A similar trend is seen in arts and crafts, where 55-65 year olds
out number
Correct your spelling
outnumber
show examples
 the younger
participants
Use synonyms
 significantly, with close to 60
members
Use synonyms
. Music and dance
also
Linking Words
sees
Change the verb form
see
show examples
 more involvement from the 25-35
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
, with approximately 55
members
Use synonyms
 compared to 50 from the 55-65
group
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, younger people have a larger presence in films and cycling. Fitness clubs have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 equal number of
members
Use synonyms
 from both
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 at around 50, but cycling is dominated by
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
participants
Use synonyms
, with about 65
members
Use synonyms
 compared to just 10 older
participants
Use synonyms
. In
photography
Add a comma
photography,
show examples
 the two
age
Use synonyms
groups
Use synonyms
 are equal, with 45
participants
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Who is the best? on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Replace the words age, groups, members, group, participants with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: