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Writing Samples
Band 5

Being a celebrity - such as famous film star or sports personality- brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity brings more benefits or more problems?

#celebrity #film #star #sports #personality-
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being a renowned
such
 as a popular film star or athlete can
brings
Wrong verb form
bring
show examples
 obstacles
as well as
 perks. From my point of view, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages
due to
 the high income and high position in communities.
Firstly
, many famous people have a large amount of money because of the advertisements they do and the films act in or because they are athletes,
therefore
, they have an enormous salary.
On the other hand
, many
argues
Change the verb form
argue
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 that the money they earn,
stuck
Add a missing verb
is stuck
show examples
 with a contract which means there are conditions they have to obey
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
However
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities commonly
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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read the conditions and they
agree
Wrong verb form
agreed
show examples
 with
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
For instance
, Brad Pett is a renowned known as
an
Correct article usage
apply
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actor for several successful movies, there was a conference he attended
last
 year, one of the journalists asked him how much he got paid for being the star of "Bullet Train", he said that more than ten million.
Secondly
, some celebrities owing to their fame
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have
accessibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
accessibility
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 to enter places like events which are just for famous individuals,
in addition
, they may give an opinion on any topic and many people will be influenced by
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 and follow
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 perspective.
For example
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a study conducted a decade ago, talked about the reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 the attendance of celebrities to events they were not even
liked
Replace the word
like
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, was to make those who were
follow
Wrong verb form
following
show examples
 them have an interest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 it.
To sum up
, the benefits can easily outweigh the downsides because of the amount of money that
given
Add a missing verb
is given
show examples
 to famous individuals,
furthermore
Correct word choice
and furthermore
show examples
, the
accessibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
accessibility
show examples
.
Submitted by bajahzar90 on

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task achievement
Ensure that you address and acknowledge potential counterarguments more thoroughly to present a balanced view and strengthen your task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by using clearer and more effective transition words and phrases between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support each main point, which will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying sentence structures to enhance the overall clarity and engagement of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in framing your thoughts neatly within the essay.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples related to income and influence, which effectively support your arguments.
task achievement
You have clearly offered your opinion and supported it with appropriate reasons.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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