IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

An increasing number of people are choosing cosmetic surgeries. Why do people have operations to change the way they look? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#people #surgeries #operations #change #development
Undoubtedly, with the rapid development of
globalsation
Correct your spelling
globalisation
globalization
, beauty fashion has become increasingly significant in our society. Many people see cosmetic
surgeries
 are beneficial methods to change their appearance. From my perspective, I will argue operations can provide a positive development, and the reasons will be elaborated on as follows.
To begin
 with, it is noticeable that cosmetic
surgeries
 have several negative impacts.
Firstly
, it may
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a high risk of failure.
In other words
,
this
Change the determiner
this surgery
these surgeries
show examples
surgeries
often
Add a missing verb
are often
show examples
 operated by non-cosmetic specialists who do not have enough professional skills, leading to infection or even worse health issues. Take my friend as an example, Amy went to Korea for a chin beauty operation a few years ago. Unfortunately, the surgery
apply
Verb problem
apply
show examples
failed and she suffered a few
day’s
Fix the agreement mistake
days’
show examples
 fever from bacterial infection.
Secondly
, in some cases, cosmetic
surgeries
 may cause long-term illness.
This
 is to say that some invasive treatments may destroy our immune system, leading to chronic diseases.
As a result
, in order to maintain a good health condition, utilising
surgeries
 to change outlook needs to be more considered.
Therefore
,
although
 some negative developments into account, there are some positive developments to be discussed. Presue beauty and fashion can build people's self-esteem and confidence.
This
 is to say,
people
Correct word choice
that people
show examples
 could improve their social networking by changing their appearance. Take Taiwan as an example, Mr. A, a celebrity, has been bullied since he was a child
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because he was very shy and not good-looking. He boosted his confidence after an operation.
Consequently
, it can be said that cosmetic
surgeries
 have more positive development than negative. In conclusion, based on the aforementioned reasons, I truly agree that cosmetic operations have a positive impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 our society.
Submitted by el3vul4 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar vocabulary
Improve grammar and vocabulary to ensure a higher clarity and precision in writings.
coherence
Clearly separate negative and positive arguments in different paragraphs to enhance logical flow.
development
Ensure that each main point is sufficiently developed with relevant detail and examples.
introduction
The introduction is clear and presents a balanced view on cosmetic surgery.
examples
Real-life examples like the ones about Amy and Mr. A illustrate points effectively.
conclusion
The conclusion successfully summarizes the main points discussed in the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cosmetic surgery
  • societal pressure
  • beauty standards
  • social media
  • perceived flaws
  • self-esteem
  • empowerment
  • quality of life
  • medical technology
  • reconstructive purposes
  • normalization
  • unrealistic beauty standards
  • health risks
  • complications
  • psychological effects
  • body image
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!