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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed,rather than work for a company or organisations. Why might this be the case? What could be disadvantages of being self-employed?

#people #work #company #organisations #be #case
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Nowadays the trend of being self-employed has increased its popularity in society, indicating that
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
 want to be employed by a company or
organisations
Fix the agreement mistake
organisation
show examples
. The reasons for
this
 phenomenon could be related to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
 and the change
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 humans' insights toward work. Meanwhile, there are some potential drawbacks that we should take into consideration. The main drivers of the self-employed tendency result from the
advencement
Correct your spelling
advancement
 of
technology
 and the emphasis on work-life
balance
.
The
Correct article usage
Technology
show examples
technology
 has significantly facilitated the tasks of work today.
For example
,
Youtuber
Correct your spelling
YouTube
show examples
, a new appealing job, is the pioneer of being self-employed. They make videos
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own devices and expand their ideas
independantly
Correct your spelling
independently
.
Moreover
, some of them have
gain
Wrong verb form
gained
show examples
 lots of profit and become celebrities today.
Therefore
, if everyone can employ the
technology
 properly and wisely, they can all make themselves a boss.
In addition
,
people
 start to focus on the concept of work-life
balance
, as they realize that the most efficient way to maintain a sustainable life is to take good care of their mental health. In the increasingly competitive working market today,
people
 often suffer from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
stress from work, and that
have
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has
show examples
 driven
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 depression.
As a result
, more individuals prefer being self-oriented, as they can manage to keep a good
balance
 between
Correct pronoun usage
their job
show examples
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and personal
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
However
, there are some demerits of
this
 trend that we should not neglect.
Firstly
, being self-employed could be an unstable job because it lacks a solid structure like corporations.
For example
, being solo in a career needs to bear all the accountabilities on oneself, and face all the upcoming challenges individually.
Thus
,
this
 fact enhances the likelihood of failure.
Furthermore
, a scarcity of teamwork steers
people
 into a sense of loneliness, as they do not have
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
 to share
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 opinions. Once it comes to the decision-making, they would be at stake since they cannot reach for help from
collegues
Correct your spelling
colleagues
.
Besides
 that, some companies or organizations offer
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 pension for retired
workers
, which is a benefit that
self- employed
Correct your spelling
self-employed
show examples
workers
 cannot receive.
Consequently
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life after retirement will be notably difficult for those solo
workers
. In
conculsion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, the reasons why
people
 pursue being self-employed are associated with the convenience and high productivity of the
technology
 and
also
 the humans' priority toward work-life
balance
. Meanwhile,
this
 tendency may put solo
workers
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 risk as they need to
burden
Verb problem
bear
show examples
 all the responsibilities, and at the same time, be the sole decision-makers, which can lead their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 to failure.
Also
, a future without
pension
Add an article
a pension
show examples
 would be vital for their sustainability of lives.
Submitted by a0979181071 on

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Language Use
Work on refining sentence structures for clarity, especially in the third and fourth paragraphs.
Task Response
Try to elaborate more on the negative aspects and give specific examples for better depth.
Coherence and Cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions to enhance the natural flow of ideas.
Task Response
The essay provides a complete response to the task, addressing both reasons for the trend of self-employment and its disadvantages.
Task Response
Shows an understanding of current societal trends related to technology and work-life balance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-developed and effectively frame the discussion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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