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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace. Do the benefit of this mobility out weight the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#information #technology #people #work #workplace #benefit #mobility #weight
Some
people
 argue that information technology allows
people
 to complete their
work
 outside their
office
.
While
 working outside their workplace allows
people
 to complete their
tasks
, I personally believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because it hinders their
health
 because
employees
work
 extra
hours
. Information technology allows
people
 to complete their
tasks
 after the designated working
hours
. If
employees
 have
work
 pressure in their
office
, they can complete their
tasks
 outside their
office
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and can complete their pending
task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
show examples
 after
office
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
. It
also
 helps them to minimize their workloads at
office
Correct article usage
the office
show examples
.
For example
, these days, multinational companies have a huge
work
 pressure in their
office
, and
therefore
,
employees
 come home and log in to their computers to complete their extra
tasks
.
However
, I personally believe that working after designated
hours
 is not good for
health
. If
employees
work
 extra
hours
, it hinders their physical and mental
health
. Some
employees
work
 10 to 12
hours
 a day because information technology allows them to complete their
tasks
 after
office
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
.
As a result
, they suffer from various physical and mental complications
such
 as lack of sleep, depression, anxiety, and obesity.
For example
, many
employees
 in Bangladesh sustain depression because they have to
work
 an extra 2
hours
 in their homes after their
office
.
Therefore
, I personally believe that working extra
hours
 is harmfully impacting their
health
. In conclusion, I believe that
while
 working extra
hours
 allows
employees
 to complete their pending
tasks
, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks because it ultimately hinders the
health
 of the
employees
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Task Response
You provide a clear opinion on the topic, and it's consistently developed throughout the essay. To enhance your response, ensure you address both sides of the argument in more detail, even if you favor one.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Ensure that transitions between ideas are smooth, and consider linking sentences for improved flow.
General Writing
Use more varied vocabulary and sentence structures to improve the depth and quality of the essay. This can help engage the reader more effectively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frame your argument.
Task Response
You provide relevant examples to support your points, which strengthens your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
The argument is logical and easy to follow, showing a good understanding of the essay requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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