IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is wrong to keep animals in zoo while others think that zoo are both entertainment and fun, discuss both the views and give Ur opinions.

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There are different opinions as to the
zoos
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;
while
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 some think that
zoos
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 contribute to people's recreation positively, the rest believe that capturing
animals
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 is a wrongdoing.
Although
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 observing
animals
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both
Add a missing verb
is both
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 educative and enjoyable for individuals, from my standpoint, keeping them in restricted places is against their
nature
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. It is undeniable that most people broaden their perspective about
nature
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 by the presence of
zoos
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. Including various species,
such
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 places provide
opportunity
Add an article
an opportunity
the opportunity
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 to watch
animals
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in
Change preposition
at
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 close range. With the exception of the safari tours, there is no way to encounter some of them.
Moreover
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,
due to
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 the funny
nature
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most
animals
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, spending time with them can unplug individuals from everyday life.
In addition
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 to being enjoyable
activity
Fix the agreement mistake
activities
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,
zoos
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 are excellent establishments to educate youngsters about the members of
nature
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. Not only do children have a good time by encountering them but
also
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 they are able to learn
animals
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' features in person.
However
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, since
animals
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 require open spaces or jungles to live in, capturing them might be considered
as
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apply
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inhumane. Take elephants as an example. They need more than ten square
kilometers
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kilometres
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 to live in peace. Limiting and constraining them is likely to affect their psychology unpleasantly.
Furthermore
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, taking care of
animals
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 in
zoos
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highly
Add a missing verb
is highly
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 debatable as the conditions are suspicious. Numerous incidents have occurred,
such
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 as treating
animals
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 violently or not meeting their needs. In
such
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 a context, zoo employees' competencies are utterly questionable.
Consequently
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, people's entertainment is not more valuable than
animals
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' well-being. In conclusion, being restrictive
zoos
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 are not pleasant for
animals
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' sake, albeit informative and amusing.
Therefore
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, I am completely against
zoos
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.

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coherence cohesion
To further enhance the coherence, consider using transitional phrases such as 'however', 'on the one hand', or 'in contrast' more frequently to smoothly guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
While the task is well-addressed, consider providing more specific examples or data to strengthen your argument about the treatment of animals in zoos.
task achievement
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes both viewpoints before restating your own stance for maximum impact.
task achievement
Your essay clearly presents both sides of the argument, showing good balance and depth.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, giving a clear overview and summary of the topic discussed.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains strong vocabulary and expressions, demonstrating a good command of the language.
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