IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
#bar #changes #percentage #people #australia #town
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The two bar charts illustrate the percentage of people who
born
Add a missing verb
were born
show examples
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 in 3
diffrents
Correct your spelling
different
areas
Use synonyms
 (
towns
Use synonyms
,
cities
Use synonyms
,
rural
Correct word choice
and rural
show examples
areas
Use synonyms
).
These
Change the determiner
This
show examples
 comparison is between 1995 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, a glance at the bar charts
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
 that in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 the highest proportion were born in
cities
Use synonyms
 in both of the given years. On the other side,
while
Linking Words
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
 of
towns
Use synonyms
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
lowest
Change the article
the lowest
show examples
 percentage in 1955, in 2010 rural
areas
Use synonyms
 had the smallest amount of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
births. In 1955,
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
more than 50% of
total
Add an article
the total
show examples
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 born in
cities
Use synonyms
 (around 50% in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and 60%
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
).
However
Linking Words
, the proportion of
towns
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
Linking Words
 time was almost 20% in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outside
Use synonyms
Australia
Add a comma
Australia,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 percentage
were
Change the verb form
was
show examples
 lower which was around 10% of
total
Add an article
the total
show examples
. In terms of rural
areas
Use synonyms
, 30% and 40% of people were born in
Australia
Use synonyms
 and outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 respectively. On the other side, in 2010 same as the 1995
cities
Use synonyms
 had the highest percentages in both
Australia
Use synonyms
 and outside
Australia
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
 in
Australia
Use synonyms
, the amount of
towns
Use synonyms
 and rural population
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
had the same percentages which was around 18%.
In outside
Change preposition
Outside
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
while
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 there were around 10% and 5% respectively.
Submitted by writing9.pry221 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words australia, areas, towns, cities with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographics
  • urbanization
  • migration patterns
  • population distribution
  • percentage points
  • growth rate
  • decline
  • trend analysis
  • socioeconomic factors
  • infrastructure development
  • rural exodus
  • census data
  • lifestyle changes
  • residential patterns
  • immigration policies
  • emigration
  • natural increase
  • birth rate
  • settlement patterns
  • push and pull factors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: