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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, and the average salary of both these types of graduates, from 2004 to 2012.

The graphs below show the percentage of graduates that got full-time jobs after graduating from a university in Australia, and the average salary of both these types of graduates, from 2004 to 2012.
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The line graph and table show the comparison between
Math
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
 and others from an unidentified university in Australia in two different aspects:
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of students
got
Correct pronoun usage
who got
show examples
 full-time jobs and
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
 salary, from 2004 to 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly observed that
Math
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
 offered employed as
a full-time jobs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a full-time job
full-time jobs
show examples
 relatively stable,
whereas
Linking Words
 that of others experienced a
fluctuated
Replace the word
fluctuating
show examples
 trend.
However
Linking Words
, it is interesting to note that the salaries given to both
newly
Change the word
new
show examples
graduates
Use synonyms
 were varied.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, a closer look at the line graph
can be seen
Verb problem
shows
show examples
 that
Math
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
 who
being
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 employed
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 full-time jobs
remain
Wrong verb form
remained
show examples
 constant at roughly 80% in 2004 and onwards except
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
slight peak at 90% in 2008. Other
graduates
Use synonyms
, on
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, accounted for approximately 65% in 2004 before reaching its peak at just above 90% in 2006 and constantly fell to the same figure in 2012. In regards to average earnings, it is noticeable that both
freshly
Change the word
fresh
show examples
 post-
graduates
Use synonyms
 received the same
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 first two years at $41,000 and $43,000 respectively.
While
Linking Words
 the trends shifted in 2008 where
Math
Use synonyms
graduates
Use synonyms
 received larger salaries with a range of $5-6,000 every other two years, that of others only added no more than $3,000.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words math, graduates with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "show" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
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