Some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. Discuss both views and give your opinion ?
It is often argued that some individuals believe it would be more effective for our
environments
and economy if individuals only Fix the agreement mistake
environment
have
Wrong verb form
had
nearly
Correct your spelling
nearby
located
Replace the word
locations
while
Correct word choice
apply
food
transportation system spends a lot of time from farm to people to consume. From my perspective, the drawbacks of the issue are greater than the benefits since Correct article usage
the food
this
phenomenon makes our daily routines deteriorate.
To begin
with, I accept that farming areas
can preserved and prevented
Wrong verb form
prevent
from
air pollution Change preposition
apply
whereas
almost all factories tend to be overcrowded in cities or suburbs. Firstly
, ruined areas
can keep the environment clean and it is heavily not detrimental. As a result
, consumers can buy fresh food
because they are eco-friendly harvested. For instance
, in the USA, the government enacted a law that farmers can receive budgets if they cultivate grain with eco-friendly methods. As a consequence
, farmers followed this
enactment and it resulted in positive effects on both agricultural workers and consumers. Moreover
, environments
can be kept clean and purified since there are no facilities that make environments
contaminated. Hence
, food
chain will not be damaged and we can teach children Add an article
the food
a
various animals in order to develop their cognitive abilities.
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
On the other hand
, I am convinced that this
argument could make people tired and terrible. First of all, it will be by
far Change preposition
apply
challenging
for urban residents to purchase Correct quantifier usage
more challenging
food
and consume because
farmland is Correct pronoun usage
it because
further
located in
from cities. In Change preposition
apply
this
regard, an amount of budgets
will be needed to transport it and it leads to an increase in Fix the agreement mistake
budget
cost
of living. Add an article
the cost
For example
, in Korea, almost all food
are
being transported from other countries and ruined Correct subject-verb agreement
is
areas
that
is
not close Change the verb form
are
from
urban Change preposition
to
areas
. As a result
, compared with other countries, the cost of food
tends to be heavily expensive. Secondly
, the cost for
Change preposition
of
transportation
system is Correct article usage
the transportation
also
expensive. If this
phenomenon continuously continues, a number of lorry drivers will be required and it results in making pollutant air because a number of vehicles including lorries emit a huge amount of greenhouse gas.
In conclusion, the drawbacks that brings to both people and environments
should not be underestimated.Submitted by Rndlrdl
on
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task response
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, and your essay addresses both sides of the issue, but make sure your arguments are more clearly aligned with the essay prompt which is about hard work and determination vs. other factors like money and appearance. Your response seems to veer off the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, although sometimes the linkage between ideas could be improved. Use more cohesive devices to ensure your ideas flow logically from one to the next.
task response
Some examples in your essay don't directly relate to the topic given. Ensure examples are specifically relevant and support the argument regarding factors of success.
coherence and cohesion
You have structured your essay well with clear paragraphs, introduction, and conclusion.
task achievement
Your dedication to providing real-world examples, like those from the USA or Korea, is commendable as it enriches the essay's argument.
task achievement
You consider both advantages and disadvantages, which adds depth to your analysis.