IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Currently, many technologies have been developed to be compact for more convenient usage
such
 as smartphones.
However
, not only adults can access them, but
children
 who are interested in their
entertaining
Replace the word
entertainment
show examples
 function are
also
 possible too. At
this
 point, some people may be concerned about their
children
 spending time on the screen too much, which can cause disadvantages to them.
Therefore
, I am personally inclined to believe that kids using
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 for hours a day might receive more negative than positive impacts. Perhaps, smartphone media is almost impossible to manually restrict. There were several cases illustrating juveniles having violent actions
due to
 copying their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 YouTube videos, even 85% of those were not for kids.
Moreover
, playing smartphone for a long time
also
 affects long-term health conditions, especially in
children
 under 15 years old. To illustrate, human eyes are extremely flexible if their moist concentration is maintained at over 70%.
In contrast
, there is research presenting the increasing rate of ocular diseases from losing eye liquid content after focusing on the screen, which significantly affects young people.
As a result
,
this
 might be true that the demerits of kids paying attention to the devices for a long time are larger than their merits.
Nevertheless
, some opponents might argue that smartphones can be wonderful learning
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
show examples
 for
children
, not only the archives they have but
also
 how they function.
For instance
, some parents currently have taught their toddlers by letting them watch cartoons or play games on their mobile phones, which successfully calms them down from crying.
However
, it cannot be denied that letting
children
 approach media without any control can be harmful to both physical and mental health. As has been demonstrated in
this
 writing, spending hours on screen is quite dangerous for
children
.
Therefore
, having rules to control usage is an effective solution to
prevent
Correct pronoun usage
prevent it
show examples
.
Submitted by wee_wongphrom on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically into the next. While your essay is generally well-organized, enhancing the transitions between arguments will make it even stronger.
task achievement
Try to avoid repetitions and ensure that every argument or statement is directly aligned with the main thesis of your essay. This will help in making your response more concise and impactful.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction that presents the topic and the writer's stance effectively.
task achievement
Each paragraph supports the essay's main ideas with relevant examples and reasoning, which contributes effectively to task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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