IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The graph given illustrate the used devices in the 18 to 25 age group in canada used to watch television in two different years(2009 and 2018).

The graph given illustrate the used devices in the 18 to 25 age group in canada used to watch television in two different years(2009 and 2018).
#devices #age #group #canada #television #two #years
In Canada, the pie chart
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 information about the used
devices
 in
18
Correct article usage
the 18
show examples
 to 25 age group to watch television in 2009 and 2018. The figures
given
Add the auxiliary verb
are given
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 in percentages.
Overall
, it can be seen that a majority of teenagers used conventional TV in 2009.
In contrast
, a vast
number
 of people in the 18 to 25 age group used mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 in 2019. Looking first at the
number
 of youngsters
Correct pronoun usage
who uesd
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uesd
Correct your spelling
used
devices
 in 2009. The
figure
 for conventional TV was the highest at 34%. At the same time, the 18 to 25 age group used
labtop
Correct your spelling
laptop
 4 times lower than
tablet
Fix the agreement mistake
tablets
show examples
. Meanwhile, the
figure
 for desktop
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 was almost as high as the
figure
 for mobile
phon
Correct your spelling
phone
show examples
.
In contrast
, the
number
 of youngsters
used
Correct pronoun usage
who used
show examples
flat-screen
Correct your spelling
flat screens
show examples
 at 8%, which was the lowest
number
. Moving on to the young
people uesd
Correct your spelling
people's
devices
 in 2019. Youngsters used flat-screen at 27%, which was the highest
number
 of used
devices
 and almost as high as mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.
While
canadian
Correct your spelling
Canadians
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
aged 18 to 25 who used desktop
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 was
exact
Change the word
exactly
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 the same as
labtop
Correct your spelling
laptops
. The
figure
 for conventional TV usage was almost 5 times as high as
tablet
Fix the agreement mistake
tablets
show examples
.
Submitted by t.shetthong on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 73%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words devices, number, figure with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "give" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
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