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Band 5.5

Some people argue that technological inventions, such as smartphones, are making people socially less interactive.

#people #inventions #smartphones
Nowadays, innovations in the technical field
such
 as smartphones and computers play a major role in the lives of modern
society
. Because of
this
, many
people
 become concerned about
people
 becoming less connected and united,
although
 there are
people
 who believe that
society
 is likely to become more conjoined. The idea of
society
 growing divided is caused by the
raising
Correct your spelling
rising
show examples
 problem of
people
 becoming addicted to the Internet,
videogames
Correct your spelling
video games
show examples
 and gadgets,
thus
 becoming less aware of the problems and individuals surrounding them.
For instance
, lots of
people
 on the streets usually pay more attention to their smartphones than the road itself,
thus
 causing accidents, stutters and other unpleasant situations. Followers of the aforementioned idea usually argue that by engaging
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 various online activities
people
 lose
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
societal responsibility, stop interacting with others and become more closeted,
thus
 leading to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 being less interactive. Other
people
,
however
, believe that technological inventions are actually
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tool
Fix the agreement mistake
tools
show examples
 that can make
people
 more united.
For example
, there are a lot of websites on the Internet where users can help each other with searching for certain information or
people
, hosting and sponsoring various activities, or simply
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
show examples
 time talking about shared interests. Those who have
this
 opinion reason that
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 ability to speak with
people
 from all over the globe without leaving one’s house is bound to make
society
 more engaged in various activities and become more united. To
su
Correct your spelling
sum
 everything up, even though the development of modern technologies is
due to
 make some persons believe that
people
 are likely to become less socially interactive, lots of others are sure that these will not be a cause of societal disintegration, but a tool to make
people
 more united.
Submitted by khotkina.ma on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly relates to your main thesis.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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