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Band 6

Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree? please write a ielts in intermadiete level

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Some
people
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 believe that too much focus is placed on the
education
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 of
students
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, and
governments
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 should allocate more funds for free
time
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activities
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 for young
people
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.
While
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education
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 is undeniably important for a successful future, I believe that investing in free
time
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activities
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 is equally crucial for the
overall
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 development of young individuals.
To begin
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 with,
education
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 plays a vital role in shaping the future of
students
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 by equipping them with
knowledge
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the knowledge
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 and skills necessary for their careers.
Governments
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 spend significant money on schools, universities, and learning resources to ensure young
people
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 have access to quality
education
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.
However
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, too much emphasis on academics can create pressure and stress for
students
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, leading to mental health issues.
For instance
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,
students
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 in highly competitive environments often face burnout, which can negatively impact their performance and well-being.
On the other hand
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, free
time
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activities
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,
such
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 as sports, art, and music, provide young
people
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 with opportunities to relax, explore their interests, and develop social skills. These
activities
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 not only promote physical and mental health but
also
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 teach teamwork, creativity, and problem-solving, which are essential for life.
For example
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, participating in sports improves physical fitness and fosters a sense of discipline,
while
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 engaging in art or music enhances creativity and emotional expression.
Moreover
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, providing free
time
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activities
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 for young
people
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 can help reduce negative
behaviors
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behaviours
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such
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 as delinquency and substance abuse. When young individuals have access to productive and enjoyable pastimes, they are less likely to engage in harmful
activities
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.
Governments
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 can achieve
this
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 by building sports facilities, funding art programs, and creating community
centers
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centres
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 where young
people
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 can spend their free
time
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 constructively. In conclusion,
while
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education
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 is a key priority for any government, it is important to strike a balance by allocating funds for free
time
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activities
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. These
activities
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 play a crucial role in fostering a well-rounded, healthy, and happy generation.
Therefore
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, I partially agree with the idea that
governments
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 should spend more on free
time
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activities
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 alongside
education
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.

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task achievement
Make sure to further develop your key points, considering different perspectives and counterarguments. This will help strengthen your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Work on using a variety of linking words and cohesive devices to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, enhancing your coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Consider supporting your arguments with more detailed examples or anecdotes to illustrate your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have clearly structured your essay with an introduction, main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view by acknowledging the importance of both education and free time activities.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • emphasis
  • government funding
  • free time activities
  • young people
  • academic performance
  • burnout
  • stress
  • overall well-being
  • social skills
  • creativity
  • emotional resilience
  • balanced lifestyle
  • extracurricular activities
  • teamwork
  • leadership skills
  • personal interests
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