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Writing Samples
Band 5

It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media rich society.

#influence #media #lives #society
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Nowadays, the impact that the
media
Use synonyms
 has on people is becoming increasingly more and it is challenging to escape its influence.
While
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this
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 novelty can push people forward to achieving their dreams and goals, it
also
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 has certain drawbacks
such
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 as the appearance of stress and anxiety.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of living in a
Use synonyms
media wealthy
Add a hyphen
media-wealthy
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 community. On the one hand, living in a
Use synonyms
media rich
Add a hyphen
media-rich
show examples
 society can have a beneficial effect on human lives. Witnessing many luxury cars and houses can
awake
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awaken
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person's
Correct article usage
a person's
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 feelings and force him to develop himself in both academic and professional areas. There is even a quote that says "
if
Capitalize word
If
show examples
 you are the smartest in the room,
then
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 you are in the wrong room";
therefore
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, being surrounded by a rich society can motivate individuals to become more
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
 and competitive with others.
For example
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, Kazakhstan has the biggest
enrolments
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enrolment
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 rate
into
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in
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 foreign countries among applicants, and
that is
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 a clear example of trying to improve one's life by moving to
place
Correct article usage
a place
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 where everything is and looks expensive.
However
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, some potential setbacks might occur since not everyone will consider it as an opportunity and enforcement to broaden horizons. The overwhelming majority of people will think that others just show off their achievements;
moreover
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,
this
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 rich environment looks very tough for them and gets them into depression because they do not own anything like that.
For example
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, recent research showed a man who has been homeless for 10 years straight and he has not even tried to force himself to work harder because of the depression, even though he was surrounded by
the
Correct article usage
a
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 similar environment. In conclusion,
although
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 not living in a
Use synonyms
media rich
Add a hyphen
media-rich
show examples
 society can be beneficial, I am a firm believer that
this
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 activity is worth trying because
all
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of all
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 of the possible opportunities and chances that can appear.
Submitted by shermadovs on

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task achievement
Ensure that your main points are consistently supported by clear and relevant examples. While you have provided examples, elaborating more on why and how they relate directly to your points would strengthen your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your ideas should be clearly articulated, with a focus on maintaining a consistent and understandable line of reasoning. Avoid abrupt transitions or leaps in logic between sections.
coherence cohesion
You have effectively introduced the topic and concluded your essay in a manner that encapsulates the main ideas presented, giving it a structured finish.
task achievement
Your essay covers both advantages and disadvantages, which demonstrates a balanced task response.
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