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Writing Samples
Band 6

The bar chart below shows of expeditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009.

The bar chart below shows of expeditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009.
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The bar chart illustrates the amount of money spent on five important
expenses
Use synonyms
 in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom and Japan in 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that housing has the highest number of expenditures compared to other countries. Food, housing and transportation have the biggest number of money consumption in all the 5 countries. Housing will consume more than 20$ of
payment
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 health care and clothing have the lowest
payment
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. There is a huge difference in food expenditures
while
Linking Words
 the United
State
Fix the agreement mistake
States
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 pays around 20$ Japan and the United Kingdom will pay more than 20%. It has shown that the United Kingdom, Canada and Japan provide less than 5% of
expenses
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 on health care
while
Linking Words
 the United States will pay more than 5%. Canada arranges higher
expenses
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 on transportation with around 20$ in total and has the greatest
payment
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However
Linking Words
,
United
Correct article usage
the United
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 States will
also
Linking Words
 cover more than 15% of
expenses
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 and is the second highest
payment
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 compared to other countries.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words expenses, payment with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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