IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #information #address #telephone #purposes #networks #development
In
this
 day and age, the digital period changed human life a lot with both advantages and disadvantages. Some individuals publish their personal
information
 to sign up for social networks or online banking
such
 as address, telephone number and so on. I believe that the development is both a positive and negative point for
users
.
To begin
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 the benefits, depend on the jobs of
users
, it is essential for
users
 to put their
information
 online. It is certain that publishing personal
information
 is a requirement for signing up for online banking to use
this
 bank service.
Moreover
, in some jobs
such
 as online sales, in order for customers to contact sellers, they have to give their
information
 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social networks.
For example
, in my country, TikTok is a famous social network, in which
users
 can sell items. It is convenient for consumers because they can buy those products easily by contacting available personal
information
.
On the other hand
, there are some drawbacks to publishing personal
information
 because everyone can see them including cheaters. Nowadays, there are more and more scams on the internet. The cheaters collect detailed
information
 to earn illegal money. In fact, governments face difficulties in solving
this
 problem, even some countries encourage citizens to use cash for every bill to limit scams. It is undeniable,
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 development of the internet helps humans to have a better life,
nevertheless
Add a comma
nevertheless,
show examples
 it
also
 brings some disadvantages. Among these, the leak of personal
information
 is a serious issue that requires solutions from the government.
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly supports the thesis statement in the introduction. While the essay touches on both pros and cons, a more balanced structure might enhance clarity.
task achievement
Include more specific examples or data to bolster your arguments. This can make your task response more compelling and grounded.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively summarize the main points.
coherence cohesion
The body paragraphs clearly support the thesis, explaining both benefits and drawbacks.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively by discussing both positive and negative aspects of the topic.
task achievement
The use of examples, like mentioning TikTok sales, helps clarify and support your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ease of access
  • interconnected
  • communication
  • commerce
  • identity theft
  • privacy invasions
  • digitization
  • fraudulent activities
  • financial losses
  • reliance
  • digital profiles
  • social inequalities
  • cybersecurity measures
  • mitigate
  • digital convenience
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • stress
  • online validation
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