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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that entertainers are paid too much and their impact on society is negative, while others disagree and believe that they deserve the money that they make because of their positive effects on society. Discuss both opinions and give your own opinion.

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The entertainment industry is
one
Use synonyms
 of the largest sectors in all around the world.
Someone
Correct your spelling
Some
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thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
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 that the
people
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 who
works
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work
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 in that industry earn too much money considering their bad influence on society, and I agree.
Others
Use synonyms
,
however
Linking Words
, believe that their positive
impact
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 on
others
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 is worth the money that they are paid. On the
one
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 hand, there is no doubt that show business is an enormous and unfairly
well paid
Add a hyphen
well-paid
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 sector.
In addition
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 to that, members of it do not add real value, compared to
others
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 like,
for instance
Linking Words
, education workers.
Although
Linking Words
, in some
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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 teachers live with unreasonable wages, their responsibility is extremely valuable for
next
Correct article usage
the next
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 generations
become
Add the particle
to become
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 better
people
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.
Whereas
Linking Words
 a singer can earn double his annual salary from
one
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 concert. The other important point is,
for
Correct word choice
that for
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 a balanced and equal society, the difference between income levels must not be very high. Regardless
than
Change preposition
of
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 their contribution, no
one
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 should make billions of dollars that easily, because that imbalance does have a significant negative
impact
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 on a society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
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 think that entertainers’ contribution to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern life is worth the money they earn. It can be understood that for many
people
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, watching a movie or going to a concert is irreplaceable with other activities;
therefore
Linking Words
, they think that their positive
impact
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 is crucial for a significant proportion of
people
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.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, celebrities
do
Verb problem
apply
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compromise their privacy and freedom
with being
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to be
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 known by many
others
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. In exchange
of
Change preposition
for
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 that, they
do
Verb problem
apply
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deserve a comfortable life with significantly better paychecks. In conclusion, despite their minimal contribution with their work to the
people
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 and sacrifice from their private life; I believe that their
impact
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 is far from being positive and they are not paid fairly or balanced with
others
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples to strengthen your argument, such as citing specific celebrities or case studies.
coherence cohesion
Work on transitioning smoothly between ideas to enhance the essay's flow.
task achievement
The essay thoroughly covers both sides of the argument and concludes with a clear personal opinion.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with a clear introduction and conclusion, which aids in reader understanding.
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