IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

All over the world societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. This problem effects both children and adults. What are the reason for this rise in obesity. How could it be tackled?

#world #societies #obesity #effects #children #adults #reason #rise
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In
Change preposition
This
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this
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the overworld societies
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
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 facing a growing problem with
obesity
Use synonyms
, in our experience knowledge of different trends will know the reasons and results.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are many reasons that affect humans
due to
Linking Words
obesity
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as bad routine or even fast food that huge reason can be a problem in their body,
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 sometimes children are born fat
due to
Linking Words
 illness from mother in hormones. Throughout we can solve all these problems, but how?
Actually
Add a comma
Actually,
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 we can advise them in a certain way
Add the comma(s)
, for example,
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for example
Linking Words
 eat healthy food even if they love
pizze
Correct your spelling
pizza
,
Linking Words
moreover
Add a comma
moreover,
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 they can eat once a week pizza but they should make it healthy by reducing sugar.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 those who suffer from
obesity
Use synonyms
 they can do sport or even just walk for 30
minute
Change to a plural noun
minutes
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 every day that
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
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 the body to decrease weight,
furthermore
Linking Words
 in the morning they must eat a perfect breakfast because all day will have power,
also
Linking Words
 they can take
snack
Add an article
a snack
show examples
while
Linking Words
 they working like banana, through children after 1 year, they must feed them in a good way to prevent
obesity
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as eat egg in the morning that give them vitamins and energy. After that
also
Linking Words
 some children about 5-8 years their families they don't care about them we should teach them how much
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
difficult will be in future,
However
Linking Words
, they must sleep earlier because at night they will feel hungry and go to eat that's
due to
Linking Words
obesity
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by rihas89s on

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task achievement
Ensure the essay addresses all parts of the task clearly and thoroughly. Discuss both causes of obesity and possible solutions more explicitly.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical flow by using clear paragraph breaks and connecting ideas smoothly. This will enhance readability and coherence.
task achievement
You have successfully introduced some causes of obesity like fast food consumption and bad daily routines, which are relevant to the topic.
task achievement
The suggestion to eat healthy and engage in daily physical activities like walking is practical and useful.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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