IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more adults are playing computer games. Why is this happening? Is it a positive or negative trend?

#adults #computer #games #trend
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In
this
Linking Words
 era, there are a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who play computer
games
Use synonyms
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adults.
Linking Words
this
Capitalize word
This
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 is
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 interesting
phenomenon
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. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss the reason for
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
 and I will provide possible
Use synonyms
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 that happen on society. the main reason for
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 nowadays the development of
technology
Use synonyms
 is very quick.  When
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
technology
Use synonyms
 develops rapidly, it will create many
games
Use synonyms
 that interesting.
This
Linking Words
 may
be make
Change the verb form
make
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 become interested
to play
Change preposition
in playing
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
games
Use synonyms
. Another important factor is
because
Correct word choice
that
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 the
people
Use synonyms
 make play a game
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 a computer
becomes
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
. Nowadays,
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 become one of
most
Add an article
the most
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 liked jobs because can get
many
Replace the quantifier
much
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 money in a month.
For example
Linking Words
, a streamer
Change preposition
on youtube
show examples
youtube
Correct your spelling
YouTube
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can
gets
Change the verb form
get
show examples
 1 million
rupiah
Change to a plural noun
rupiahs
show examples
 or more
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
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depend
Add the preposition
depend on
show examples
 the subscribers and
situations
Fix the agreement mistake
situation
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
very
Add a missing verb
is very
show examples
 rare because
Use synonyms
technology
Add an article
the technology
show examples
that have
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 developed and there are a
lot
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 that interested
to became
Change preposition
in becoming
show examples
 a pro player  and
streamer
Fix the agreement mistake
streamers
show examples
Use synonyms
games
Change preposition
of games
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some positive and negative effects that
be result
Change the verb form
result
show examples
 from
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, many
people
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
become
addict
Wrong verb form
addicted
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 to
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
games
Use synonyms
 until forget the time and
make
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a
lot
Use synonyms
 of adults get
lazy
Rephrase
too lazy
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 to
apply
Add the preposition
apply for
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 other jobs. There
also
Linking Words
 some positive
Use synonyms
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 from
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
 like
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 reducing
many
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
unemployment and
can get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 a
lot
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 of salary if they are
consistant
Correct your spelling
consistent
 and
success
Replace the word
successful
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 job. So,
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
 will
make
Verb problem
have
show examples
 some positive
Use synonyms
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 and negative
Use synonyms
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
 is
due to
Linking Words
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 improvement
Use synonyms
technology
Change preposition
in technology
show examples
.  There are many
games
Use synonyms
 that
remarkable
Add a missing verb
are remarkable
show examples
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 make a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
interested
to play
Change preposition
in playing
show examples
 computer
games
Use synonyms
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
phenomenon
Use synonyms
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
 some positive and negative effects.
Submitted by akbarsurya264 on

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task achievement
Focus on creating a clear thesis statement in your introduction to outline the points that will be discussed.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main point and uses transition words to improve the flow of the essay.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples that relate directly to your main points, beyond just the gaming industry.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and cover the main points of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both positive and negative effects, providing a balanced view.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • immersive
  • stress relief
  • multiplayer games
  • online communities
  • cognitive challenges
  • mental stimulation
  • e-sports
  • socially acceptable
  • prestigious
  • purchasing power
  • sophisticated games
  • escapism
  • accessible
  • advertisements
  • adult demographics
What to do next:
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