IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that women should be allowed to play an equal role to men in police and military forces. However, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinions.

#people #women #role #men #police #forces
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There are different opinions regarding
women
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’s
role
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 in police and military forces. Some argue that
women
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 should be given equal opportunities in these professions,
while
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 others argue that they are not suitable for these demanding
jobs
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. On the one hand, there is a pressing issue regarding equality and fairness between genders;
therefore
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,
women
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 should have the right to work in demanding
jobs
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,
such
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 as police and military force. It is crucial to allow
women
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 to boost their aptitude and interest, for it may not be achieved when solely performing household chores.
Thus
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, these occupations can not only help
women
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 to foster feelings of pride and achievement but
also
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 the government and country indirectly benefit from
women
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’s
role
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. A salient example of
this
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 is the war in Israel, where
women
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 are capable of combating invasions shoulder to
shoulder-with
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shoulder with
show examples
men
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.
As a result
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,
women
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 should be allowed to play an equal
role
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 to
men
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, potentially leading to a more progressive society.
On the other hand
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, some believe that as these
jobs
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 are demanding and require dedication, persistence, and physical strength, they are not suitable for
women
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. These
jobs
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 may create a gap between personal lives and professional commitments, making it challenging to balance their work and family responsibilities. In a way,
women
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 have to stand guard or go on missions during the war, which may overshadow the
women
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’s
role
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 at home,
such
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 as family caring or raising children.
However
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, I am of the opinion that both
men
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 and
women
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 can contribute to family responsibilities. The lack of collaboration and empathy should not be a restriction for
women
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 who do not pursue their personal goals and aspirations. In conclusion,
although
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 some assert that
women
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 should not play an equal
role
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 to
men
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 in police and military forces, as they may struggle to balance their personal lives and professional commitments, I believe
this
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 is not a valid reason. By implementing flexible schedules, both genders can effectively establish a balance in their lives.
Additionally
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, offering
women
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 opportunities in these occupations would promote equality and fairness, which has always been a worthy pursuit.
Submitted by hongminh317 on

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task response
The essay excellently addresses both views, providing a clear and comprehensive response to the task prompt. Ensure to maintain this thoroughness across all parts of the essay.
task response
Continue to use specific and relevant examples to support your ideas, as demonstrated in your mention of women in the Israeli military. This strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between ideas are smooth, and your arguments are presented in a logical order. Ensure consistency by maintaining clear connections between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Although your points are well-supported, further examples or evidence could enhance your arguments even more and provide greater depth.
task response
The essay presents a clear and balanced discussion, considering both perspectives on the topic effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively structured, clearly framing the argument and summarizing the key points.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay, which aids in maintaining a clear and coherent narrative.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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