IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people believe that women should be allowed to play an equal role to men in police and military forces. However, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinions.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There are different opinions regarding
women
Use synonyms
’s
role
Use synonyms
 in police and military forces. Some argue that
women
Use synonyms
 should be given equal opportunities in these professions,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that they are not suitable for these demanding
jobs
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, there is a pressing issue regarding equality and fairness between genders;
therefore
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 should have the right to work in demanding
jobs
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as police and military force. It is crucial to allow
women
Use synonyms
 to boost their aptitude and interest, for it may not be achieved when solely performing household chores.
Thus
Linking Words
, these occupations can not only help
women
Use synonyms
 to foster feelings of pride and achievement but
also
Linking Words
 the government and country indirectly benefit from
women
Use synonyms
’s
role
Use synonyms
. A salient example of
this
Linking Words
 is the war in Israel, where
women
Use synonyms
 are capable of combating invasions shoulder to
shoulder-with
Correct your spelling
shoulder with
show examples
men
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to play an equal
role
Use synonyms
 to
men
Use synonyms
, potentially leading to a more progressive society.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some believe that as these
jobs
Use synonyms
 are demanding and require dedication, persistence, and physical strength, they are not suitable for
women
Use synonyms
. These
jobs
Use synonyms
 may create a gap between personal lives and professional commitments, making it challenging to balance their work and family responsibilities. In a way,
women
Use synonyms
 have to stand guard or go on missions during the war, which may overshadow the
women
Use synonyms
’s
role
Use synonyms
 at home,
such
Linking Words
 as family caring or raising children.
However
Linking Words
, I am of the opinion that both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 can contribute to family responsibilities. The lack of collaboration and empathy should not be a restriction for
women
Use synonyms
 who do not pursue their personal goals and aspirations. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 some assert that
women
Use synonyms
 should not play an equal
role
Use synonyms
 to
men
Use synonyms
 in police and military forces, as they may struggle to balance their personal lives and professional commitments, I believe
this
Linking Words
 is not a valid reason. By implementing flexible schedules, both genders can effectively establish a balance in their lives.
Additionally
Linking Words
, offering
women
Use synonyms
 opportunities in these occupations would promote equality and fairness, which has always been a worthy pursuit.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay excellently addresses both views, providing a clear and comprehensive response to the task prompt. Ensure to maintain this thoroughness across all parts of the essay.
task response
Continue to use specific and relevant examples to support your ideas, as demonstrated in your mention of women in the Israeli military. This strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between ideas are smooth, and your arguments are presented in a logical order. Ensure consistency by maintaining clear connections between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Although your points are well-supported, further examples or evidence could enhance your arguments even more and provide greater depth.
task response
The essay presents a clear and balanced discussion, considering both perspectives on the topic effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are effectively structured, clearly framing the argument and summarizing the key points.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay, which aids in maintaining a clear and coherent narrative.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: