IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

You have seen an advertisement in the newspaper for a temporary job working as a Sales Representative during the holiday season. You decide to apply for the job. Write a letter to the Hiring Manager of the company. In your letter: Introduce yourself Explain what experience and special skills you have Explain why you are interested in the job Write at least 150 words. You do NOT need to write any addresses. Begin your letter as follows: Dear Hiring Manager,

#advertisement #newspaper #job #sales #representative #holiday #season #manager #company #skills #addresses
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Dear Hiring Manager, Hope
this
 letter finds you well .I am writing
this
 letter to
show
Verb problem
express
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 my interest
regarding
Change preposition
in
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 the
on going
Correct your spelling
ongoing
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 hiring
for
Change preposition
of
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the
Correct article usage
a
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sales
Capitalize word
Sales
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 Representative in your company during the holiday season. My name is Navdeep and I live at 100 Street in Edmonton
and
Correct word choice
apply
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I am
pursing
Correct your spelling
pursuing
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 my business
adminstration
Correct your spelling
administration
 from
well renowed
Replace the word
a well-known
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 University named Macewan.As
,
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apply
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now I have my semester break
therefore
Add the comma(s)
, therefore
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, I want to use
this
 free time to work as
sales
Add an article
a sales
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 representative in your company. As I
have
Verb problem
am
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 on the verge of
completion
Replace the word
completing
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 my studies .I can use my paper knowledge in your company and gain more knowledge and experience
while
 working in
field
Add an article
the field
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instead
 of reading books only.
Mean
Correct your spelling
Meanwhile
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while
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 I know doing
this
 job is more challenging and hard
some time
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sometimes
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to
Change preposition
for
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 me but I believe doing
this
 job not helps me in earning money but
also
 helps me to have a close look at the market
scenorio
Correct your spelling
scenario
.
Lookinf
Correct your spelling
Looking
 forward to hearing a positive response from your side. Yours Faithfully, Navdeep
Submitted by navdeepbajaj89 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, try to ensure your ideas follow a logical order and that sentences within paragraphs connect smoothly. Transitions and conjunctions can help with this. For instance, you could clarify your introduction, provide more structured supporting details, and end with a conclusion that reiterates your interest and availability.
task achievement
To enhance task response, you might consider providing more specific details about your skills and experiences that relate to the job. This might include mentioning particular achievements, or competencies applicable to the role of a Sales Representative.
task achievement
Your letter demonstrates enthusiasm for the position and provides a personal introduction, making it engaging for the reader.
task achievement
The tone of your letter is appropriate and conveys a sense of eagerness and interest in the role, which is suitable for a job application.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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