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Writing Samples
Band 5

Children nowadays watch significantly more television than in the past, which reduces their activity levels accordingly. What are the advantages and disadvantages for children of watching television?

#children #television #activity #levels
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In the modern world,
children
 watching more TV
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
is becoming a prominent issue.Despite
it's
Replace the word
its
show examples
 benefits,
such
 as learning new things,it
also
 has drawbacks,including reducing their creativity and leading to eyesight problems.
This
 essay will examine both aspects of
this
 phenomenon. On the one hand,they can learn new things in a fun way by watching certain animations .
For instance
, as
children
 learn things by mocking the
beahviors
Correct your spelling
behaviours
behaviour
 they see around them,
as a result
 of
this
 by watching cartoons that have moral lessons they can learn how to behave better.
While
this
 trend has its advantages, it
also
 poses challenges,particularly
making
Change preposition
by making
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 them lazy by reducing their activity level.
For example
,in the latest
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
 done by scientists
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 Harvard
university
Capitalize word
University
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,has been proven that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
 who
involve
Wrong verb form
are involved
show examples
 in physical activities whether in groups or solo, have shown more innovation during their study years or in their jobs. Another downside of
this
 trend
,
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apply
show examples
is affecting their eyes which
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads to nearsighted problems.
This
 can be problematic if parents don't notice it in
early
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the early
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 stages.
this
 can result in
loosing
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losing
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 their passion
to study
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for studying
show examples
.
Moreover
 sitting in front of televisions or tablets,for more than a particular hour,can cause obesity which makes them more prone to cardiovascular disease.
Consequently
,it has a negative effect on their mental
well- being
Correct your spelling
well-being
show examples
,as they may feel insecure about their appearance. In conclusion,the disadvantages of spending more time in front of the TV
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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,if the hours of watching it get out of control.Ultimately,playing with friends and families is crucial for
children
 both mental well-being and physical growth so parents and kindergartners should try to keep a balance between both.
Submitted by sheidafarahbakhsh36 on

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Coherence/Cohesion
Improve paragraph structure to enhance logical flow. Some sentences are long and may benefit from being split for clarity and smoother reading.
Coherence/Cohesion
Ensure a clear and concise introduction that sets the stage for the reader, and an effective conclusion that summarizes your key points.
Task Achievement
Avoid minor grammatical errors and ensure consistent tense usage.
Task Achievement
Use more diverse vocabulary to convey ideas more precisely.
Task Achievement
You provide relevant examples to support your points, such as the study from Harvard University showing the impact of physical activity on innovation.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of children watching television, providing a complete response to the task.
Coherence/Cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the discussion within the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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